I liked this line the best : I gently tapped his shoulder, feeling the muscles tense up. It seemed to catch the sexual tension between them, and the awkardness of their relationship as they skirt the fine line between friendship and love.
I liked your second paragraph best. On the water, the possibilities are endless, he’s free from the petty troubles of the world—in this case, obnoxious tourists.
I am digging the story. I am interested in what motivates her to continue to see Ben socially. And is she interested in Mike for purely physical reasons? She strikes me as the type that when she loves, she loves hard, with all her heart. Perhaps these motivations are too personal, or painful to write about it, but these are things that I ask when I read about her days in and out of the theatre.
I like reading your theatre stories, largely for voyeuristic reasons, with quite frankly a large dose of prurience. Its like I am reading your racey diary. Any some constructive criticism: your opening line is awkward, and a run-on. The best opening lines grab a reader, but its ok to open with a simple sentence that orients the reader to the story. “Mike was a mystery.” Or “Mike gave more mixed signals than a broken traffic light.” But keep up the good work.
I enjoyed it. I can see the archaeologist in you here. My thoughts: eliminate words when possible. So “She cautiously, slowly, moved towards the mysterious object.” or “She was drawn to it in a trance.” Or maybe even “Despite the screams from her rational mind, the voice quieted her fears, moving her forward in a trance.” Keep up the good work Batak.
I’ve read your stories. I like how you’re willing to take thematic risks. On this one story though, the market owner’s greeting Ali with “how you doing?” bothered me. He clearly knows her. Its the anniversary of 9/11. How does he think she’s doing? I don’t think anyone who knows her would ask her that on 9/11. But five for the try.
Clever story, with some nice gems (proof, not just not living). But how he is serving penance? How is he going to pay for it? He’s going to beat the rap. Guilt doesn’t seem like it applies to this guy. Is his penance the fact that he has to clean up?
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