Hey Jen… love it, love everything about this one! You go great flow going here. I might just have to chime in on this one. I miss working with you on a story. 5 star all the way :)
I’m Baaaaaack! Whew, it been awhile. First I had writer’s block, then I got busy at work, then Ficlets went bonkers… Got a new website now, click on the Omnibus link on my profile to check it out or visit http://web.me.com/kevin_underscore_mullins I hope to turn my Ficlets into manga and post them there.
Holy Cow John! Great read and like Ana said you really feel for the guy until the end. Didn’t see that coming at all… BTW, glad I can FINALLY get back into Ficlets again. Been getting errors for weeks now.
Very well done Ben… I’m not sure how but by the first paragraph I was expecting that it was going to be a woman (android?). Guess I’ve read too much Sci-Fi in my lifetime.
Again very interesting. I do understand that you are going for a period feel but I do have to say a few parts of this one I had to read more than once to fully grasp
Ha, at Jon for the Prince joke… although I do have to admit I’m looking forward to the revelation of the Prince Protocol BTW, glad to see you writing on Pillar again, I was wondering what had went with it ;)
Ok, first post in awhile because: a) I was very busy with my real job b) I had writer’s block from hell So it is a bit of a filler piece but I needed it to setup for the next part and the action to follow. Hopefully, it won’t take me so long to post again.
Since this was a challenge you knew it wasn’t going to turn out as the guy expected… however I didn’t see this coming. Well written and funny, great ficlet John.
Ben, I think the dark ending mental suggestion came from the (Escape Challenge) from the title, combined with the “darkness” of the setting… and probably the after affect of reading one too many ficlets ;)
You make a good point John… for anyone who doesn’t know, VTOL stands for Vertical Take Off and Lift. Think Harrier Jump Jet. VTOL has been around since the 80’s. Using vectored thrust the plane can take off, hover and land vertically. While I’m at it, the C-5 Galaxy is the largest jet heavy lift plane we make. The USSR Antonov, even bigger. They are larger than a football field. Now making one of those hover… pure fantasy. :)
What can I say but WOW! This one is perfect in every way. Over the top descriptions, perfect pace, and great action. Bravo sir, bravo. BTW, I’m on my iPhone so I can’t rate right now. 5 stars when I get back to a PC
No worries Jon… as always I appreciate the constructive criticism, and totally agree. It was another situation where I’d started off the sentence one way, then changed it, yet not completed the modification… and of course I read it correctly each time I looked at it, LOL!
FYI a reefer is a temperature controlled shipping container. Usually they are used to ship produce or any other temperature sensitive goods. See I occasionally do my research ;)
@John + Joh – I reconstructed the 2nd and 3rd paragraph to more match what I had originally written… I think it flows much better now. I too was tired when I wrote this last night. As always, thanks guys! You’re forcing me to become a better writer.
In hind site, I probably should have used “he” because I hadn’t really established the car as a full “entity” yet… It was a side effect of knowing where I was headed vs what a reader would know at this point.
I have to say, you really got me with that last line! I didn’t see it coming and it was great! Looking forward to see where you go next… I’m really digging this story.
@JLaughter – Great edits as usual. I threw the comma after the goddamn for cadence. Imagine someone pissed off saying that phrase in a rhythm. Glad you enjoyed this one, it was fun to write. Actually the last piece was nothing but “filler” to set up for this one.
@Ana, Thanks I really had to work to get that title. :) Also it is possible that I’ve not done a very good job of carrying the story forward, esp. if you’re getting lost. I need to reread them myself and make sure everything flows correctly.
Again, thanks Ana. I rewrote this piece about 1,000 times to get the pacing down… actually I wasn’t really happy with it when I posted. As always, I do appreciate the comments from everybody.
Thanks Ana, glad that you are enjoying the story. Sci-Fi has been the great love of my life in every form of media and I agree FicLets is a great place to read excellent Sci-Fi. Most of the stuff on here rivals any of the Sci-Fi books I’ve read in ages.
@JLaughter – glad you are enjoying the series… I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being inspired by BagMan. :) The definition of REMORA will come a little later… but I’ll give you a hint I was thinking more of the fish.
@John, Good catch on the edits, the Advanced Cybercrime used to be part of a sentence but I changed it and forgot the punctuation. You for your is a bad habit of mine… do it all the time. I had the idea for the NetWay for a long time. Embedded markers in the road along with a central network and local area info share between cars would prevent lots of wrecks… in you’ve ever driven Houston rush hour traffic, you’d understand.
LOL John, it’s definitely not going to be a good morning... that was actually what I had planned on doing but I went another direction. PS, see sequel for that line. :)
You are most welcome Pyro! I have to say it did the same thing to me too. Also made me stop to look at how far we’ve come in the last 24 years and really appreciate the technology we have all grown so accustomed to.
Yet another great entry and perfect description of diving through data. I also have not heard of meatside but great description, usually you’ll hear meatspace. Keep them coming!
Your descriptions of traveling the meta stream were spot on, very visual and engrossing. I have to agree with Pyro, you were channeling Gibson here. Excellent!
LOL, Thanks Jen. Funny, I’m still listening to an 80’s mix on my iPod. Yeah, it was getting a bit long in the tooth so I thought it was time to put it to bed… at least for now. Oh, and great point about the comments too. They really helped push me to write more and better.
Hope you don’t mind me ending this here Jen. I thought about it and you gave me the perfect setup and the twist for the end. I did leave room for a sequel though. I have enjoyed working with you on this series more than I can express here. I can honestly say it would not have been as good or as much fun without you. Let’s work together again soon! I’d also like to thank everyone else who’s contributed and read this story, esp. you Mr. Perkins.
Wow Jen… I really didn’t see that last part coming. Great Twist! And I agree with what John had to say as well. Must go think on this one… SO many new twists and turns. Hmmm, I might not have to be as hasty as I planned on putting this away soon. :)
a) Great definition of paradox… in both places. I really wanted to work that into my piece but alas, no room b) I agree with John, great dialog c) Another great addition!
@John, man you guys are quick today… I just posted it and was reread for errors. Nice catch as usual. @Pyro, 1984 has long been established as the date they are stuck in. It’s been noted several times. Also Jen noted that Final Countdown didn’t really work because it was from 1986. She used it the same way I used a Gibson story… creative license. :)
Well done Pyro! Thanks Jen, oh and great work on the Hapkido too. BTW, glad to hear it isn’t just me having issues with the ratings. I’ve been having trouble with comments too.
I hadn’t thought about Europe in years, anyway that’s ok, I cheated with the Gibson story in the Omni… hey it’s sci-fi and we’re telling the stories. :) Also, on leaving parts out, I had quite a bit that I wanted to work into my last entry but had to cut it to the bare essentials to fit. Need to think out the next move… I do have a few ideas though
So much great material here Jen! I especially loved Then she saw Krystle; looking like she’d stepped right out of an Olivia Newton John video. Hope my next post is up to your challenge!
Ok Jen… I just had to go here, you gave me such a lovely setup. BTW, the lyrics of two different Olivia Newton John song’s are in this Ficlet. Trivia question: What are the lyrics and what songs? No cheating by looking them up on the internet. Oh and yes, guilty pleasure… I was listing to the songs when I wrote this.
This is great and the slightly out of context quotes really fit in with the feel of the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. You left me with a bit of a challenge… Hope you like my #27 :)
Oh, one other thing, on a side note. The travelers are actually from 2008. I checked my wallet when I wrote the New stand piece and the oldest money I had was 2003… most was from 2005.
Touche my dear! I bow before the master. Fantastic Jen, simply fantastic. I love the last line, you did a spot on job of matching my special agent piece.
Interesting turn… and nice play with the name of the shop. Since you’d brought up Tommy Chong I was expecting a “head shop”. Hmmm, you’ve left me with a challenge.
Excellent Jen! I wonder why White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane (later known as Jefferson Starship) is playing in my head?? This really is turning into an acid trip down memory lane.
Honestly, the idea to use Alice in Wonderland references never crossed my mind until you brought it up… duh! Your turn! :) Can’t wait to see what you do with this.
Great job on the recycling Jen and I truly LOVE this piece! The crowd seemed to part like the Red Sea I could see this in my mind, like a scene from an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80’s. You are forcing me to up my game… let’s see if I am up to the challenge… on to part 16 :)
Thanks Jon… Ficlets are like candy coated, crack cocaine sprinkled, hot buttered popcorn with ice cold beer, LOL! Seriously, this writing stuff in new to me (aside from boring technical writing for work) and I’m on a writer’s high. The horror stuff is different for me too. I more like the hard Sci-fi pieces. Just trying to play with a few styles and push my comfort level.
@JLaughter – first “Mall-Pig” ROTFL! And Yeah, she’d read his obituary 2 weeks before jumping back to 1984. It looks like the girls have jumped back to a Mall that was their haunt back then.
I really like the feel you have going here, like THX said… haunting. Since I obviously have no opinions of my own today, I also agree with John, nice change of style for you too.
Another great addition Ben. One tiny pick, in the 6th paragraph you have She was standing in a room that looked identical to his own. Her naked body was the same dark shade of gray as his own. Both sentences ending in his own so close is hard to read. What if you changed the last one to _ Her naked body, the same dark shade of gray as him_? Just a thought. :)
@John – good calls in both places. It was another place where I read that line with the “a” in place every time. On the second, I ran out of chars so I had to drop the “flashed”. @Pyro – I’ll explain the “clean-up” next. @All – I found writing this one very upsetting… I ended up on the couch with a large glass of wine, watching happy shows… It might be awhile before I pick this series back up.
Thanks all… I was trying to present this without going over the top or offending anyone. I found that if you don’t get too descriptive and leave as much open to the imagination of the reader, it comes off far more powerful.
Ok not to offend anyone of a specific turn… but I think I threw up a bit in my mouth as I wrote this one. The atomic bomb of disturbing for a strait guy… having to make it with a dude. I told you I was going for broke on this one.
WARNING! This series is going to be very dark and disturbing, if you are easy to offend or upset… DO NOT READ! I’m going to try and push the boundaries with these works. I’ve not read good horror in awhile. I have an idea and want to see if I can pull it off.
@Pyro – I agree completely look like we both “branched” the story at the same time again… however this time we’re going in two different directions… BTW, I like your’s better Jen.
Again… totally Rad Jen! There is one small typo in the line “She she blew upward in a haughty bitch”, you have a double She. Oh and nice work on both the “She almost turned her ankle” and “haughty bitch” lines.
Jarvis is a professional study on the phrase “gruesomely ugly.” His face looked as though he’d been attacked by a cheese-grater and he escaped by climbing an ugly tree. made me LOL Jon! Keep em coming!
@John – By definition ANY mechanical augmentation or addition would classify a person as a cyborg. To that end, we have quite a few running around today. @JLaughter – Nice setup for the next piece!
Again… Spot on Jenunique! I was considering having your gang help him out of this pickle. And you knew Jessica would be the ring leader of this adventure. :)
No the use of Becky was fantastic… and a perfect tie in. I hope you continue to add to the story. Your post has added another layer of richness that I would have never thought of.
For anyone wondering… Jenunique added a MUCH better Part 7 so I moved this story after hers in the chain. Please see Part 6 to get back to this section, sorry! I really wish there was a way to delete ficlets completely
Thanks Pyro… it made way more sense to add this after the excellent post that Jenunique made. I truly love what she did to the story and this piece still worked, so I moved it here
WOW! Blown away Jenunique… Rats, we must have posted our stories at exactly the same time or I would have chained off of yours, I think I’ll delete my post and add it to this one.
Freaking awesome John! BTW, I think we are channeling each other LOL! I’d planned to have him check out the cinema too (just like us both having him go to the center of the mall to read the Omni). Oh and totally a nice touch having the girl from Casa at the Joust machine.
Cool – Not played Rockband but I do hear that it is quite physical. And that beer and drums don’t mix you should try alcohol and karaoke in a live club… I’ve had a few disasters on songs that I really know too. ;) Checking sequel now.
@John… oops! I didn’t mean to bust your sequel… sorry and I’m so busted on the Gibson part but hey, it’s fiction, er, um ficlets! I’m not going to post anything again till tomorrow so have at the story… this was as far ahead as I had thought of.
@Jenunique – Looked forward to seeing what you have to add. @Jlaughter – Guilty as charged :P Yes it is a nod to your series. @Six Feet, John’s right. BTW – obviously no one here was a science, sci-fi and computer geek during the 80’s (I was)... Omni was the WIRED magazine of its time. Oh and I tickled myself with the FBI line… no who’s getting an ego :)
@Jenunique, JLaughter & Six Feet – Thanks all, this one was really fun to write! I had to really dig back deep for both the dialog and the looks… found myself swimming in memories of the 80’s.
Oops! I’m missing the “the”. You know, of course, I read that about a 1,000 times in my mind cleanly inserted the missing the because it knew it was supposed to be there. Like Duh! (in best 80’s voice)
@I’m-THAT-Guy!, I always get “its” and “it’s” mixed up. I totally agree with the Clunkiness of the 4th paragraph, I rewrote it about 100 times and could never get it to come out right. @John – You are right… I did transpose the “a” and the “now” @Six Feet – Thanks, I’ll admit I used that name to get the funky title for the piece! @All – I always appreciate all feedback both +/- so never feel like you can’t comment… it’s the only way I’ll learn :)
One more thing… (nods to Steve Jobs). I truly have no direction for this series, so if anyone wants to jump in and write a prequel/sequel please have at it!
Oooo! Punks… great idea Pyro I need to work that into the next one. ;) @John… in this one was bouncing back and forth between “thing…was” and “things…were”. Also “You’re” was intentional in the last line because he is referring to himself as Toto. Keep the input coming!
I actually wanted to fit the first line of this ficlet onto the last entry. I just couldn’t find a way to get the setup I wanted and fit it in. So I chose to break it here. I was trying to show that because the restaurant had been painted new “modern” colors in the future it no longer matched with the restroom. Since Alex stepped into the past, the two were now in sync. The restroom is the key tying both timelines together.
As usual John, I totally agree with your analysis of this piece. It 100% is a mundane setup for the next piece with the twist… I just didn’t have enough space to do the setup and the twist at the same time… stepping out on a limb here. This one is more a “toy” that popped into my head on the way to work with no direction at all, I’m literally making it up as I write.
@Pyro – I hear you, I’m a 1965 addition BUT I did go to college in the 80’s so it’s a period that I still have very fond memories of. @Jenunique – Thanks! Glad you are liking the piece. I love the 80’s too
Thanks for the input atllta, its always appreciated. BTW, I agree completely, the last bit is somewhat out of sync. I was trying to relate that since he was in 1984 now, the decor of the restaurant matched the restroom that was stuck in the 80’s. Part of it has to do with running out of characters. :)
“Wil Wheaton mentioned a short story he wrote on some site called Ficlets” I do wonder how many people ended up with this addiction because of Wil? BTW, iPhone ficlets is just evil… way too easy to access when you are out, about and bored.
Think I’ve about got the hang of the 1000-character limit. I’d have to agree with that statement. Great series that you have running, interested to see where you take it.
Thanks John… don’t be humble. Seriously, I’d probably not have made it through to the end without your help… I’m bad at starting things and never finishing them too.
@kaellinn – The kiss… I can see your point. I was kind of looking at it like this: a) I’d planned a bit more interaction leading up to and end it… curse you 1024 character limit! b) I saw it as a shipwrecked man and woman who gone through a lot together leading to more… c) She’s a hot, godlike Cougar now and he’s a tasty looking treat (sorry I couldn’t resist)
@John – According to Merriam-Webster it can be either spelling… I just looked it up again, however I might change it epilogue is the main spelling. @kaellinn – Thanks, again I really wasn’t sure how that was going to go over.
@John – Yup I do use an editor with spell check however I usually tend to flub a word not in it’s dictionary or a misused word… go figure. @kaellinn – Thank you very much. I’m glad you enjoyed the series. I wasn’t sure if anyone would “get it”... the picture in my head, that is.
... better yet, why don’t you continue Ker and Dreanna’s story? I’ve left you with a badass ship (remember Worldbuilder class, can make anything) and a few interesting characters (hey, at least I think so) and a brand new universe to explore. So go ahead… surprise me, wow me. Thanks for reading Kev
OK, stick a fork in this series… it’s done! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. I want to thank everybody that commented on the series and provided help, especially you John Perkins. At some point I might pick it up and write another chapter or…
Again great edit work… oh and see what I mean, once I start misspelling something, I get stuck.
Think of it more as the container for the universe that these event take place in is turned into the actual container itself. Time folding back on itself… just like a Möbius Strip.
Time is wrapping back on itself here so in the Past Present the circle was completed and everything came into existence. Yet in the Present Past the circle has yet to be completed because Eric hasn’t activated the orb yet. It’s meant to be a head trip. Different person talking… they used the ‘the’. Sperm and Ova is a link between creation of life and creation of universes.
Wow. Seriously, you continue to blow me away with this challenge. One question though, in the sentence I creeped the car into wouldn’t crept work better? I just kind of read funny to me. BTW, Hope you don’t mind the input.
Wow, great movement and setup Ben. Excellent continuation to the story. I’ve missed your Pillar entries. One tiny thing the line He felt warm and breathing was too hard is missing a period. :)
@John – Eric is a bit dependent on Ker right now… best not to piss of the help ;) BTW, your getting soft on me, I was missing a period =0
@Pyro – Thanks, I find modifiers disruptive to reading and I was really finding it difficult to have a 3 way conversation without flooding it with he said, she said. I do have plans to turn this series into a manga and release it on my website for free. I’m running a few “tests” now to see if I can pull it off.
Well Pyro I didn’t think about it when wrote it but… yeah it does sort of have a Andromeda feel to it. Before my first Ficlet posted here, I’d never tried to write a story so this is a totally new experience for me. The ONLY reason that I have/am improving is thanks to everyone that has given me such priceless advice here. My most sincerest thanks to you all.
Ok all, I’m not really happy with the conversations here and I might adjust them later. I found myself struggling to balance the three different characters points of view and still have the reader be able to keep up.
Filler by any other name is still… filler. I’m trying to make all the parts stand alone but this one definitely requires the other parts to make sense.
Again, thanks for taking the time to comment guys. It isn’t evident yet but there is a reason why Eric is handling the situation this way. The next post or so should expose the details.
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On Snow White Queen {Paint a Picture Challenge}:
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On Alex in Wonderland: Part 13:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Screams Will Shake the Heavens:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Hunger is Unceasing:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Pain a Song Forever:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Hunger is Unceasing:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Songs of Suffering:
posted 4 months ago
On HIS Songs of Suffering:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 12: Time After Time:
posted 4 months ago
On Out-of-Order Challenge - Cadillac Decisions:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland: Part 11:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland: Part 12:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 12: Time After Time:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland: Part 11:
posted 4 months ago
On The Future Is Unwritten:
posted 4 months ago
On Ask the Wonderball:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland: Part 9:
posted 4 months ago
On Followed:
posted 4 months ago
On Nowhere to Hide:
posted 4 months ago
On Where Am I (Out-of-Order Challenge):
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Street King:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: I Heart Mom:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Everyone has a Record:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 7:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland: Part 9:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland- Part 7: Girls Just Wanted to Have Fun:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 7:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 8:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland- Part 7: Girls Just Wanted to Have Fun:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland- Part 7: Girls Just Wanted to Have Fun:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 7:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 6:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 5:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 5:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 4:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 4:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 3:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 1:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 4:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 4:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 3:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 1:
posted 4 months ago
On Numbers pop up in funny places (III):
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Phantom Leg:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Benny & Louise:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: A Little Less Red:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Madonna and Child:
posted 4 months ago
On Alex in Wonderland - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Just for Kevin (Da Love Chain):
posted 4 months ago
On The Mark (3):
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Payday:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Three Black Suits:
posted 4 months ago
On Bagman: Blurred Image:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Strangers in a Strange Land:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Strangers in a Strange Land:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Madonna and Child:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: The Chicken or the Egg:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Strangers in a Strange Land:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Strangers in a Strange Land:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Madonna and Child:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: The Chicken or the Egg:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Mother Knows Best:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Crazy on a Ship of Fools:
posted 4 months ago
On Out-of-Order Challenge - 90 Seconds:
posted 4 months ago
On The Pillar - Intruder:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Epilogue - Madonna and Child:
posted 4 months ago
On Human For Sale:
posted 4 months ago
On Not so Sweet Home:
posted 4 months ago
On The Kind That Hate Was Bred In:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: At Infinium:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: While I Kiss the Sky:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 3:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: While I Kiss the Sky:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 3:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 1:
posted 4 months ago
On Land of Confusion: Codename Numbers:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 2:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Wake the Princess - Part 1:
posted 4 months ago
On Möbius Strip: Any Port in a Storm:
posted 4 months ago