uselessness' published ficlets
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The Recipe
Charles was rewashing his hands when he was caught completely off guard. It was his unsanitary sous chef Brandt — the ruffian…
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Bye, Bye Love
I never imagined that slamming a door in someone’s face could feel so triumphant. I think I actually hit her with it, but it’...
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Entering the Colosseum
Tom and Mendez were two gladiators facing each other in the ring. It was an odd pairing: Tom was lean and athletic, while Men…
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Pizza Face News Flash
“Can’t you knock?” sputtered Tom.
I crawled weakly into bed and hugged my pillow, listening to the conversation in the hall….
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The Game Within a Game
There I was, sprawled on the bathroom floor, one arm draped clumsily over the side of the bathtub for support, watching stars…
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Howl to the Chief
The morning it all started, Kate was up before me and the bed was covered in dog hair.
I put on my slippers and walked to th…
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Warning: Baggage Included
The next day, I was rushing out the door to get to class when I nearly trampled Jodi. She was standing in the hallway, bent o…
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Something's Fishy
Mendez snatched the book from my fingers.
“Hey look, Jordan, there’s cartoons in here!”
He pointed at a drawing of a sulkin…
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Sometimes Working Out Just Doesn't Work Out
I’ve never understood the appeal of gyms. Every machine under that roof is designed to crush, bend, or fling you in awkward d…
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Maybe I Shouldn't Have Done That
This is just to say that I don’t really have allergies.
I mean, I do… but just food allergies. I can’t eat leafy green veget…
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ChronOOPS
They said they found his body, but they were liars.
You see, Hitler never killed himself, he just vanished. Nobody wanted to…
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A Husband's Permission
“Sure.”
“That’s it?”
“What’d you expect?”
“Maybe a little resistance.”
“We’ve been friends for years. You know me better …
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Parallel Kingdoms: Unwelcoming Woods
With Charlie perched atop the roof as lookout, and I with pen and parchment, writing my request for the squarefinder, our mag…
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On Sea or On Land
Suddenly Frida felt the submarine slowing, and she nearly lost her footing as it rounded a corner. The captain signaled a ful…
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Parallel Kingdoms: The Magic Palanquin
I hadn’t used the magic palanquin since my last visit to the squarefinder, but I was pleased to see it in good condition stil…
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Parallel Kingdoms: Charlie's Story
Long ago I had learned to revere Charlie’s insight. His granite lips spoke truths beyond the vision of mortals, with a kindne…
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Parallel Kingdoms: The Outset
Two kingdoms were positioned alongside each other: Azuria on the north and Athentia on the south. Presiding over each was one…
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The River Cold and Vile
Frida tried to maintain her composure. The ship was now passing through the strait between Pagensand and Schwarztonnensand wi…
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Around the House with ThroatWolf
Hungry.
The blinds are closed, and I’m reading Edgar Allan Poe. The television is on, and I’m watching Twin Peaks. Somewhere…
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Becoming an Operative
“No more lies!” shouted Margie. “Tell me what’s going on at once!”
The impostor Churchill leaped to his feet and placed a ha…
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