Ficlets

I’m here in the nation’s capital, Washington DC. I have a rental car. I’m driving in Washington, DC. This was a mistake. Don’t do it yourself. There’s now I’ve dispensed all the advice I am going to dispense today.

One of the things I do while I’m on tour is I do a reading – specifically, I’m reading the first chapter of an upcoming novel called The High Castle. I don’t read it every single stop (sometimes people just want me to chat, or just sign), but I’ve read it enough that I’ve gotten used to the chapter and I’m able to give a bit of a performance as well as just a reading – I do character voices, put pauses in for dramatic effect, and so on and so forth.

Doing the chapter reading as that sort of performance, I think, is more fun for the audience than me simply reading whatever I’ve got in a drop-dead monotone, or whatever. However, there is one drawback in that I tend to read pretty quickly, and if I’m not careful, I can slur my words together. Which makes it hard to understand what I’m reading, which is, of course a problem. But, as it happens, I have stumbled on a solution.

Consider, if you will, William Shatner. America’s greatest living actor? Possibly, as long as one is willing to overlook the fact that he’s actually Canadian. But thespian qualities aside, what Shatner brings to the table is truly idiosyncratic diction, in which every word is clearly and dramatically enunciated: “WE’ve LANDed HERE on the PLANet of SEXy GREEN woMEN,” he’d say, into his communicator, as he was belting forth another captain’s log (heh heh heh). What he was saying might be banal or trite or just plain silly, but there’s never any doubt you can understand EVER SINGLE WORD. As far as diction goes, he’s the top.

When I do one of my reading, I turn to the teachings of Shatner, and do my best to clearly enunciate my words. One does not want to emulate Shatner full-bore, of course: Only Shatner can truly do Shatner, and anyone else doing that sort of delivery will make people too distracted and possibly irritated. So I mentally place my “Shatner” knob at about 40% or so – enough that I get a series of nice, snapped-off, easily understandable words and sentences, but not so much that I look like I’m waiting to be covered in tribbles or preparing to trick a sentient computer with a cheap logic problem.

Yes, I know how stupid this sounds. But, look, people: It works. Really, it does.

The next time you’re required to speak in front of a crowd of people and you’re worried about slurring your words, remember: The 40% Shatner Solution. You’ll be glad you did it.