Comments on 'The Best Gift (please pick apart!)'I had to write a poem for a school contest(theme is the best gift i've recieved), and there is SOMETHING about it that doesn't feel right. Please help!!
The Best Gift
Children's faces light up with joy,
when given a brand new toy.
But my face does this too,
when I recieve this from you.
Tears of love poeple weep,
when given diamond rings to keep.
But I joyfully weep too,
when I recieve this from you.
How excited people become,
when a million dollars is the sum.
But I get excited too,
when I recieve this from you.
Nothing can compare,
when coming from you; it is so rare,
something so true,
that I recieve from you.
Joy, love, and excitement are all so true,
but just these emotions are just too few.
I have other emotions too,
when I recieve a hug from you.
Please let me know if it makes sense. I was trying to compare a hug to material things. But I didn't want you to know what it was till the end. Make critques and just pick it apart!!!!! Thanks so much in advance!!2008-04-03T12:20:00Zhttp://ficlets.com/feed/story/26698Comment on The Best Gift (please pick apart!)<p>I sorta agree w/ R_M, but then again, not all poem’s meters are the same. So if you decide to make them all the same, I would suggest writing a haiku, b/c it’s really easy. (Five syllables, then seven, and so on.) But if you are going to keep it w/ different meters, then I think it’s actually really good.</p>http://ficlets.com/stories/26698?basename=540862008-04-03T12:20:00Zflute faeriehttp://ficlets.com/authors/user_6061Comment on The Best Gift (please pick apart!)<p>Well, the meter of the second couplet in the verse is different from the first couplet. It might work better if the meter could be the same all the way through.</p>http://ficlets.com/stories/26698?basename=540512008-04-03T01:54:14ZRobotech_Masterhttp://ficlets.com/authors/robotech