The Dod's Stories

Night of the electrified plush apes

2008-07-21T17:14:28Z

The teddy bears were amazed. Plush gorillas should have known better than to try to climb the electric fence. Their circuitry went bad and they started twitching. After a dozen incidents or so, all within a couple of hours, amazement gradually transformed into panic. What were the prisoners up to? Bear, oh bear, this won’t look good on paper.
When night came down, it became downright creepy. shadows of twitching bodies via a thick sawdust haze.
Then the lights went out, sprinklers soaked the bears for a few minutes (making them heavier than usual), then all the gates opened, freeing the captive plush animals who were just waiting for the cue. They were prepared, they had stashes of weapons, the wet bears had no chance.
You see, when humans were still around, plush gorillas used to be their X10 home appliance controllers. When the camp systems went X10 , all they needed was for enough of them to plug into the circuitry via the electric fence, and that, my son, was the beginning of the end of teddy bear tyranny.

They have no lawyers, and their women go topless

2008-07-20T03:34:27Z

It was a very small planet. A classical army post from the times of the second empire, with one building big enough to defend the entire planet, and 2 landing areas: front for VIP ships and back for army and cargo.
Such planets became hot property once the war has ended. The main building was converted into a leisure dwelling, and in most cases – one of the landing areas was converted into a park or even a lake (if the owner could afford the water).
It was dangerous to land in such places uninvited. Not that anybody would attack physically, but those bastards had lawyers who could sue you for anything you had if you gave them a reason, and trespassing was a good enough reason.
But we’ve had a malfunction and we did try our best to contact the inhabitants, scanning all seven ethers known to man for two standard hours. The engineers said we had no choice, so we landed.
The hippies there were nice, but the metal-eating termites (developed by their ancestors during some forgotten revolution) were mighty hungry.

Weapon advertizement (Elsha's Funny How Challenge)

2008-03-28T04:00:40Z

It’s funny how musicians “with an attitude” use gun-shot and gun-loading sounds in their tracks, thus advertising the weapons industry (which is the 2nd largest industry in the world, bigger than oil).
I’m sure most of these people think Naomi Klein’s “No Logo” is cool :)

Surfer boy goes wild

2008-03-12T14:09:07Z

... I mean I thought I did. I even started thinking in mid air that I was still holding a gun in my hand.

Then he did some awesome ninja move, and (as they say in the movies) disarmed me. It didn’t even hurt. He balanced me so that I wouldn’t fall, examined the gun, handed it back to me, and said: “I wouldn’t fire this junk if I were you. Could explode and kill us both”. He kept smiling through the whole thing.

By that time I’ve already realized the I couldn’t kill him, although I still wanted to. He seemed like a bright young lad. I’m sure he noticed.

In fact, he seemed to be smiling even harder when he said “I think you need to relax. Why don’t you buy me a cup of coffee?”.

I don’t know why I said yes. Now how did the bastard recruit you?

Color perception is a matter of geography

2008-03-12T05:54:11Z

They’ve spotted me. I tried to disguise myself as one of them. We’ve studied them for years. I was trained in acting and thinking like them, I went thru surgery in order to look like one of them, yet – something was wrong here. Something in the way people were trying to avoid me, look the other way, not something specific, but there was suspicion in the air. The earthlings were getting restless.

Awesome still can't catch up with events

2008-03-10T12:51:54Z

She tried to stifle the smile before it leaks through the phone line. It was working better than planned. “Please come over” she whined, hung up, and laughed until her make up got all messed up, which was cool. She should look shabby when he gets here full of shame and remorse for sounding horny.

Once he’s here, she has to keep him busy and far away from his pants long enough for her husband to take his credit card out of his wallet. He can stay over to sleep, take some Viagra, anything to keep the sucker from noticing the card’s missing.

Meanwhile Honest Joe’s boys would try to get as much as possible. Honest Joe would give you a 10-hit pack card right away, and you’d also get a numbered slip. You could come there after a few days and see if your slip got a bonus. Could sometimes amount to hundreds of grams
.
Honest Jo was honest. The marks weren’t. They thought they were using her.

Now how’s that for “awesome”? she thought while messing up her hair and the kitchen before the mark gets here.

Is awesomeness worth all that tuna?

2008-03-10T12:04:59Z

“He grows too fast. There’s no stopping him. He’s eating through resources like an alpha release of a Microsoft product. We tried to buy more space, time, whatever you guys have asked for, but he just keeps leaking out of the seams.
I think there’s not enough future in cat-based processing to justify all the tuna this project has already cost us”, concluded Janet from accounting (it had some other fancy name he kept forgetting and was ashamed to ask. Something along the lines of “fiscal balance guidance” or something just as badly translated from Japanese).

“Give us until International day of awesomeness. I’m sure we fix it until then”, said Han from creation (that’s “development” in plain English).

Actually, he was counting on Fritz (that’s the cat) to either grow the necessary spare parts or come up with a bright idea. Many times he did. It was all a matter of tuna.

Hop, Scotch. Hop!

2008-01-04T06:03:53Z

“Hop, Scotch. Hop. Hop like the wind”, she cried. Special agent Sean “Scotch” McGinger wasn’t easily distracted (not even by a pretty pussy in heat), but “hop like the wind” kinda caught him off balance, and he touched the electrified snow-grid in 2 points.

Saved by his instincts, he’s managed to pass out while standing on all fours (or most of them), without touching the grid.

He woke up 2 seconds later. 2 dear seconds. The laser sites were already locked on him.

The price of sin [a minimum length PREquel]

2007-12-30T11:06:53Z

Hubby was obeying the mistress, like he didn’t enjoy his slavery

Decisions, decisions [minimum length challenge]

2007-12-29T12:38:27Z

“Can the decision to travel back in time be undone?” he wondered

Last man on earth [minimum length challenge]

2007-12-29T10:41:51Z

The last living man hated the door bell. “Go away woman” he said

The alternative future of Spider Pig

2007-12-29T10:30:05Z

“Spider Pig, Spider Pig,
digs whatever a spider digs.
never swings, only digs,
and then he eats it like a pig”...

Tears welled in Homer’s eyes as he was making this up. This pig wasn’t indeed any good for nothing (“Does it means it is good for something?”, he thought, but the brain cell responsible for multiple negations overheated).

One thing he knew. This pig was certainly not half as good as a spider who could dig, swing, spin, eat and have many different looks (if you colored it precisely enough).
“That’s it”, he’s decided at last. “I’m going back to Krusty’s to trade it for a proper spider”.

The princess remixed

2007-06-29T23:14:33Z

In a far away country, on a winter night, there was a ball with a DJ from Jamaica. The servants got the night off, so when the front door bell rang, the queen had to answer it herself.

A young lass, shivering in the snow, introduced herself through chattering teeth: “I’m a princess from a faraway country, it’s snowing outside, and I got nowhere to sleep”.

The queen, being a young lass herself once, was not so sure whether this was a real princess, or yet another tramp trying to lay her hands on the prince, but she already had a plan.

When the party was over, she’s summoned the Jamaican DJ to the guest bedroom, made him lie down on the bed and [before you get wrong ideas] covered him with 20 mattresses. The girl was then lowered with a crane on top of the heap.

“How was your sleep?”, asked the queen in the morning. “Great. never felt anything like it”, said the girl.

Understanding that she was indeed a real princess, the queen hugged the DJ and said “You’ve passed the test. you’re a true Jamaican”.

Bitchy haiku (to Teacha)

2007-06-07T03:48:38Z

Joy in the courtyard
Opportunity knocking
Concubine gained weight

Stupid bunny won't start

2007-05-18T23:05:24Z

Piggy was late. He was always late, but this time it was going to cost him his job, and he knew that. He knew the signs.
Not that he cared in the long run. It was a lousy job, just like the rest of them. He simply didn’t feel like looking for a job on a rainy week.

He rushed into the garage, and stared blankly at the place where his Jaguar usually parks. His wife took it again. Let’s hope she doesn’t scratch it.

Ok. He’ll have to settle for the bunny then. Bad luck again. She didn’t leave the keys to the bunny.

He desperately tried to remember, out all the useless things he’s learned at college, one of the only things he should have remembered: how to hot-wire a bunny.

“You’re getting rusty” piggy had to admit. 5 precious minutes already, and stupid bunny won’t start.