Hobo Beard Bob's Stories

The Insane Knight: Answers

2008-03-20T14:44:18Z

“Would you mind removing your pretend weapon from my neck?” Ted asked.

“Okay,” the Knight said, “But don’t try that staring trick that made my mind hurt.”

Ted continued his story.

“Our father was a knight as well as an aspiring magician. He devoted much of his time to transcribing The Book of Ezik, The most powerful book of magic in the world. He never told me how he came into possession of the book, but many nights he let me sit with him as he tried to make sense of it. Unbeknown to him, this book chose its reader.

You were never interested in magic. You wanted to be a knight. You would beg father to teach you how to handle a sword, but he was always too busy with The Book of Ezik. So one day, while father was on a mission for the King, you decided to get rid of the book once and for all. But as soon as you touched the book, it translated itself to you and the pages went blank. That is when everything went bad…”

Tlod and Horse Put Out A Fire

2008-02-28T02:32:37Z

The dragon named Horse perched on the roof of Ted the Off-White’s tower and tried to look as menacing as a dragon named Horse could possibly look. Tlod the Dwarf sat on the dragons back and held his hands over his ears.

“Gods! Did you have to roar that loud?” he shouted.

“I was striking fear into their hearts!” Horse replied.

“And striking me deaf at the same time. I’m already dead – give me a break.”

The fire elemental appeared in front of them. “IT IS TOO LATE TO SAVE YOUR FRIEND . TED THE OFF -WHITE IS FINISHING HIM OFF AS WE SPEAK .”

“Save…our friend? He is still alive, Horse! We can still save him!” shouted Tlod.

“YOU’LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE TOWER ’S DEFENSES FIRST ,” the elemental boomed.

“And what might that be?” Horse asked.

“UM…ME I GUESS !” the elemental answered.

“No problem, then,” Horse said as he hiked his hind leg and urinated on the elemental, extinguishing it forever.

“Did that seem too easy to you?” Tlod asked.

“Yeah…a little,” replied the dragon.

The Sane Knight Goes Insane (Again)

2008-02-26T00:29:54Z

The fire elemental watched as the little poodle jumped up and bit down hard on his master’s crotch. Ted the Off-White screamed in pain and crumpled to the ground. The fire elemental started to assist his master, but was distracted by a terrible roar from outside.

“I can handle myself, ” Ted the Off-White cried as he struggled to pull Montelban the poodle from his crotch, “Investigate that noise.”

The fire elemental flew up and disappeared into the ceiling.

Ted the Off-White finally pulled the dog loose and was about to throw it when he noticed The Insane Knight standing over him, grinning his uncomfortable grin. He could feel the tip of the Imaginary Sword touching his neck.

“I want to know who I was. I want to know why you stole my friend’s head. I want to know what you want from me, and I want to know why you won’t clean yourself up. You look and smell horrible.”

Ted put the growling poodle down and cleared his throat. “First of all,” he said, “Your name is Edward and you are my brother…”

Montelban the Poodle

2008-02-25T16:38:47Z

For most people, being changed into a dog or any other animal would have negative effects on intelligence. Not for Montelban. His intelligence level was already equal to that of a miniature poodle, so the only changes he noticed were physical ones.

His sense of smell was improved, which made being near Ted the Off-White and his less-than-satisfactory hygiene even more unbearable.

The dog watched The Knight wave a hand and make the cell door vanish. He raised his hands to cast another spell, but clutched his head with both hands and screamed in agony.

“Just as I thought,” Ted the Off-White said, “the memories of your former life are flooding back. The terrible things that you’ve done for the sake of increasing your own power. You remember all of that now, don’t you?”

Montelban noticed how Ted the Off-White held his gaze on the Knight, then realized what was causing the sudden flood of memories.

The little dog growled as he jumped at the dirty old wizard’s crotch and bit down hard.

Tlod and Horse Find a Tower

2008-02-18T18:53:55Z

It was easy enough to find Ted the Off-White’s tower. Tlod would have liked to credit his incredible tracking abilities, but in all honesty – he just stopped to ask directions. His tracking abilities sort of sucked.

“I think that might be it, Horse,” Tlod shouted from the back of the flying dragon.

From a distance, the tower looked as if it were a giant arrow about to fire at the sun. Rumor had it that Ted the Off White was actually trying to devise a spell that would do just that.

“I have to ask – if you can fly, then why haven’t you offered to do it before now?” Tlod asked.

“You didn’t ask. How was I supposed to know you wanted something when you hadn’t asked?” Horse replied.

“We didn’t know you could fly. How were we supposed to know?”

“The wings didn’t clue you in?” The dragon asked.

“Hey! I didn’t have a head half the time. I couldn’t see!” Tlod explained.

“Yet you never seemed to lose your way or bump into things.”

“Shut up and fly,” Tlod spat.

Edison's Medicine

2008-02-18T02:02:42Z

The short, bobble-headed robot wobbled his way into the Medical Room. Edison sat on an examination table with an angry expression on his face. A medical bot tended to his wounds from his brief encounter with Tesla.

“How are you feeling, sir?” the android chimed.

“I think he damaged a servo in my eye. I hope there was no damage to my brain. It is the only real part of my body that is left. Why in the hell couldn’t we have made at least one security android among the hundreds of androids roaming around here.”

“I have news that will make you feel much better, sir!” the android responded, then paused for dramatic effect.

“Just tell me,” Edison groaned.

“We have sucessfully copied the Space-Time machine. There is an exact replica awaiting your approval.”

“Really? Did the security cameras capture an image of the laser gun?” Edison asked.

The android nodded. “We’re in the process of cloning that technology as we speak.”

“How soon can you have me an army of androids armed with lasers?” Edison asked.

Return of the Son of An Open Letter to stylorouge

2008-02-07T21:15:21Z

stylorouge,

I hope everything is well with you. I just heard about the fire in your grandmother’s meth lab. I hope none of her whores got hurt. I know she has been struggling to get by ever since they shut down her strip club. I didn’t think there was a law against letting amputees strip.

And if your grandmother’s problems weren’t enough, here you go and get arrested for your backyard “Snake Show”. Truly tasteless. And you didn’t even give those kids a refund.

After that incident I’m pretty sure they’ll fire you from the flea market. At least you have your Slaughter tribute band to keep some money rolling in. That should pay off pretty well.

If I were you I would give up on your lawsuit with the dry cleaners. They have every right to refuse to clean your Klan robe. It doesn’t matter if you are the Grand Wizard Cyclops. They don’t take orders from you.

Best wishes,

Hobo Beard Bob

Hobo Beard Bob's Inhuman Detective Challenge

2008-02-07T17:23:06Z

I’ve written 60 ficlets. Hooray! Here is my challenge.

Write a detective story. Pretty easy! Here is the catch – none of the characters can be human. The main character can’t speak, he/she/it can only narrate. Weirdest story wins.

I’ll judge it when I feel like it.

The Superhero Obituaries

2008-02-07T15:45:30Z

Philadelphia, PA – Davey Daniels, alter-ego of the 70’s vigilante, Captain Wreckless, died in his home on Thursday, a spokesman said. He was thought to be 55 years old.

“He died peacefully at 8:00 a.m.,” said Lady Laserfingers, his former girlfriend and teammate in the (now disbanded) League of Vigilantes. His death appeared to be due to “complications after a lifetime of drinking gasoline and motor oil.”

Captain Wreckless was renown for bringing down Philadelphia’s most notorious convenience store robbers, The Wawa Seven. He was often criticized for running over criminals with his Camaro while intoxicated. Captain Wreckless called it his “super power”.

Daniels is survived by his wife, Mrs. Curling Iron; his son, Captain Whiskey Dick; his brother, Mr. Donkey Punch; and his dog, Little Bit.

Memorial services will be held behind the family’s mobile home. Daniels requested that his ashes be sprinkled on a meatball hoagie from Wawa.

The Insane Knight Goes Sane

2008-02-05T04:16:34Z

Ted the Off-White glared at Montelban through the cell bars. The Renown Thief of Dwarven Skulls shivered uncontrollably.

“I-I-I’m sorry s-s-sir! I didn’t m-m-mean to lose the dwarf’s head. It w-w-was an accident,” Montelban explained frantically.

“It is too late for apologies,” Ted the Off-White replied, waving a filthy hand towards the shivering man. Montelban started to scream, but it turned into a yelp as he transformed into a miniature poodle dog.

“Hey!” the Insane Knight yelled, “I wasn’t done talking to him…and I don’t speak dog!”

Ted the Off-White turned his head to look at the Insane Knight and their eyes locked. Memories flooded into the Insane Knight’s mind. He remembered this dirty old wizard and all of the terrible things he had done, including making him go insane. He realized that he wasn’t a knight – he was the most powerful wizard in the world. For the first time in ten years, his mind was clear.

The Knight waved a hand and the cell door vanished.

Internet Acronyms: A Usage Guide (IA: AUG)

2008-02-01T05:35:26Z

Acronyms are an important part of internet communications. Especially if you’re a bad typist. Sometimes, though, the acronyms can get out of hand and the next thing you know you don’t even know the meaning of ROFLMAOWJMHIYF ! Fear not, dear reader – I am here to help.

LOL : short for Leaking Out Love. A show of affection.

BRB : Bouncing Rabbit Balls. I have no idea.

BBIAB : Boring Bitch in a Bathtub. What a snooze she is.

AFK : Always Flying Kites (Common with kite enthusiasts.)

OMFG : Overly Manly French Gymnast. A little strange.

IMHO : I am a ho. A dirty slut.

ROFLMAO :” Rocky Only Fights Libyan Men Around October. Good to know in case you want to book him for a fight and you happen to be from there.

RTFM :” Rape The French Maid. What a terrible thing to say.

ASL : Always So Lonely. Sad, isn’t it?

Listed here are a few of the common acronyms you will see in everyday chat. I sincerely hope this helps you in the ever changing world of Internet Acronyms.

An Open Letter to stylorouge

2008-01-31T15:28:57Z

Dear stylorouge,

I was both shocked and fascinated to learn that you suffer from Chronic Masturbation. At first, I thought you were suffering from Parkinson’s Disease because of the way your hands shake in your pockets so often.

I often wonder how this affects your job as Knife Sharpener at Mountain Top Flea Market. I also wonder how it is possible to gratify ones self with two hook hands. I guess there are ways…

Between your Chronic Masturbation, your hook hands, and your mother starring in clown porn, I would say you are the poster boy for perseverance. I admire your strength.

Roll Tide,

Hobo Beard Bob

Momma's Boy: A Southern Haunting

2008-01-29T20:45:11Z

Speakin of boys an they mommas…

This one time there’s this feller by the name o’ Percy Staunt. You prolly member his diddy that died, Randy Staunt. Anyways, Percy’s momma got kicked square betwixt the eyeballs by a jackass and got herself kilt. Percy done got eat up with tha sorrow and cried and moaned for days and months.

Well Davey Riddlespur’s cousin, Margie, told me she thank that kep his momma from passin on to tha Promise Land. Well shore nuff somethin was goin on cause ever night at midnight Percy’d hear the pots and pans a’ rattlin in tha kitchen. Taint no way it coulda been a pet nor person. Percy lived by hisself after his momma died, and he ain’t had a dog since that doberman bit off his pinky fanger. Percy swore he’d smell his momma’s cookin all night long.

Well one night he had nuff of tha noise keepin him up so he hollered, “I ain’t hungry momma, so stop cookin!”

Ever since he ain’t heard a peep in that kitchen. He say that sometime he smell the cookin, though. He wouldn’t lie.

The Whistling Wind: A Southern Haunting

2008-01-29T05:37:11Z

Well now, you sayin that reminds me of that time, bout ten years ago, when that black fella come ta town. He was tha best whistler I ever done heard in all my life. He’d start up ta whistlin’ and tha whole town’d gather round him and listen.

Clyde Shaneyfelt and his brother Clim weren’t too fond of this new black feller, seein’ as how they’s Klu Kluxers and all. This one time that feller was walkin down tha sidewalk, mindin’ his own, whistlin’ just as purty as ever. He sees Clyde Shaneyfelt’s girl and he tips his hat as he is passin’. Clyde got wind of that, and he and Clim went after that poor black fella. From what I hear they got a run for their money, but they still did that fella in. I heard they tossed em in Lampshade Lake with a buncha cinder blocks tied to em.

Well, exactly one year later Clyde and Clim was walkin’ down the sidewalk when they’s both struck dead with heart attacks. Everbody around em swore they heard the wind whistlin’ just as purty as they ever heard it in all their life.

The Fedora: A Southern Haunting

2008-01-28T22:17:05Z

Velda Clark, the liberrian fer Lampshade Public Liberry, here in Lampshade, Alabama, swears this un is true. I done heard from several liberrians what had it happen ta them.

Velda say she’d be sittin readin one of them books in that little one room liberry, when this tall drink o water in a gray three-piece comes struttin in like he is some kinda big deal. Velda swears the room gets colder than a meat locker soon as this feller steps in. Say she gets a queasy feelin when she looks in his eyes; that they’s the darkest, blackest eyes she ever done seened.

Velda don’t never lie bout nothin that I know of, so this next part has ta have some semblance of truth. She say he floats across the floor and stops at tha desk.

“I’m a lookin’ fer my fedora,” is all this feller says.

She know what hat this feller is referrin too cause it’s been in tha Lost and Found box since she worked there. So she lean down ta fetch it, then he’s gone when she raise back up. Just vanished. Says it happens ever Tuesday night.