Lee Braiden's Stories

The ideal job [Make Me Laugh Challenge]

2008-05-22T00:36:19Z

“Pronoun. Gorgeous Pronoun.”

The interviewers all spat coffee in unison. As they mopped their desk and chins, the last one managed… “I… I’m sorry, but… What?“

The hapless interviewee shifted in his seat again, sighing heavily. “That’s my name, Mr. Pronoun.”

“Mr Gorgeous Pronoun?” The eldest interviewer tried the name on his tongue, attempting to reassure himself. “I see. Yes… yes. Mr Pronoun. That’s fine then.” He nodded this last to the others on the bench, prodding them into line. The others stared at each other in smirks and wide–eyed disbelief.
**
Pronoun studied the luxuriously rich cream carpet, waiting. Coffee was still dripping onto it from the bench. It smelt like good coffee; shame no one had thought to offer him some.

The third interviewer chimed up. “Ahh. So, why did… I mean, why do... why do you want to be a lexicographer, Gorgeous?”

“Just call me Gorge; everyone does. Or some do.”

Gorge thought for a moment. “A lexy–what–afer? A friend sent me—he said to take the dictionary job.”

Twice as fast [Make Me Laugh Challenge]

2008-05-20T20:49:32Z

Bob crashed to the ground. His left leg landed first, his knee buckling under the sudden force. His left shoulder slammed down next, swiftly followed by his head. Bob’s tiny mind was crushed as pain flooded into every inch of his body. “FUCK! Fuck-fuckityfuck. JesusChristAlmighty!! Aghh! Shit!!”

“Bastard. Fuck. Bollocks.” Bob gasped for air. “I’m OK.”

He panted some more. “But Sensei, I can’t do this. Really.”

“Bob, don’t quit now. You’ve almost got it. I don’t teach my Superfast Flying Kick in the Hydraulics to just anyone, you know. Get up and try again. And remember: twice as fast as you physically can. I want to see some effort.”

Bob was a pro by now. On his sensei’s command, he immediately gathered his crumpled body back together, and leapt into the air.

Bob didn’t make a sound. Inside, his little soul screamed in agony as his face shattered the concrete post. Deep within Bob’s pain-numbed mind, he suddenly became aware of sliding down stone.

“Bob, your nose! Brake with your nose!”

Bob passed out.

Random Quiz answers

2008-05-13T21:08:30Z

1. Have you ever dressed up as a member of the opposite gender for halloween?

Nope.

2. Have you ever dropped something out of a window? (cars don’t count, you litterer)

Hmm. I’m sure I have—probably along the lines of sneaking out of houses past parents and dropping things I couldn’t get out the front door.

3. DO YOU or DO YOU NOT play an instrument? If so, what?

I play a chinese flute (a dizi)... a little!

4. IF you DO INDEED play and instrument, IS IT THE TRUMPET ?

Hahha, no.

5. IF it IS INDEED THE TRUMPET , have you ever EMPTIED YOUR SPIT VALVE OVER AND INNOCENT GIRL ’S HEAD ?

I told you already—it is NOT the trumpet! ;)

6. What is the most valuable thing…
...you have broken.

Probably a computer, or a router. Hhehh, my car probably counts as broken too.

7.Have you ever eaten a worm? (fried or otherwise)

Not sure. Don’t think so. But possibly.

Priorities

2008-05-11T01:25:34Z

He peered down the road into the darkness, past the horizon, imagining the rest of the journey home. He thought of the two-hour drive, arriving at his apartment, and climbing into that cold, empty bed. Soon, that familiar feeling came back to him unbidden: the hopeless attempt to justify his superstar career before falling asleep.

Something clicked. He buried his foot into the brake. Too quickly, the car responded. Its tail swung out wide, eager to continue the steep descent. Gary realised his mistake, and fought wildly for control. He swung the wheel left and right, aligning the front wheels with the back. Gradually, he came to a halt.

He caught his breath. Well, that was a heart-pumping adventure. He must be on the right track. Gary breathed deeply, shifted into first, slowly turned the car around, and began the climb back over the hill he had just drove down.

As he crested the hill, he thought of all the great people on Fairfax that he’d guided through rehab. It was time to make a difference again.

Hearts in Darkness

2008-05-10T15:19:17Z

Some say that none of us are innocent,

That we’ve all had our pains
That the best tears are for others
That no one will die if we love their presence in our lives
That brave violence is a failure to face our fears
That unburdened hearts neither suffer, nor cause it
That discrimination is the absence of love

They say,

That innocence is boring.
That simplicity is childish.

Some say,

That while there are hearts in darkness, we all share the pain;
That while one soul hurts, we all deserve to.

Maybe someday, we will all choose to be innocent; together.

The Moominator

2008-05-10T14:55:53Z

She squared up to me, fearless as anything. I tried not to give ground. The vital heaving of her chest manifested in hot breaths as she stepped in closer.

Her natural curls worked perfectly with the earthy tones of her classic suede outfit. The animal within me urged that the natural thing was to rip off her jacket and partake of her warm flesh. Somehow I knew she’d have none of that. No; I’d have to take charge and define my natural role clearly before she could step into hers.

There was something tribal about her. The wide, slightly garish earrings; the confident way she wore that single large ivory hairpin. But I couldn’t help thinking she was slightly unkempt, as if she’d just come from a fight in some slum over the hill.

Her lips moved slowly as she looked me up and down. Was she coming on to me? Surely not. I realised that she was slowly chewing something, as slum girls are wont to do.

Suddenly, she turned from me. Despite myself, my eyes burned with hunger as that perfect piece of meat walked away.

Those Loving Irish Waters

2008-05-10T11:06:19Z

Immediately, I was sucked down into that cold, violent underworld. Smokey torrents of black water and white foam carried me deep, tumbled me over, tore me in two directions, until I knew neither destination, nor origin. There was no fighting those waters; no reasoning. The current alone was enough to overpower any living creature.

In that moment, I may not have been alive. I had given up all desire, and accepted the currents wholeheartedly; their will be done. And it was. I was carried endlessly. Drowned. Dragged. Starved of air. Force-fed water. Battered. Reshaped. Reborn.

For a time, I was simply carried in the flow. Water streamed through my fingers, through my hair, teased my senses, tempting me to interact. I learned, slowly. Move too fast, too willfully, and the current would correct me harshly. Instead, I learned to play a note in the streams rushing between my fingers; a slight suggestion to the river; a request.

And then, I swam. I tumbled, waited, spun, leapt; I played. I surfaced to a new world.

Cassie

2008-05-09T18:11:55Z

She was always doing things like that: writing stories, and denying she’d done it; singing songs, and claiming to only hum a melody.

Crazy girl, that Cassie.

Within Reach

2008-05-09T16:56:54Z

“Ahh, you did it that time, didn’t you Aery? What did you see?” Her grandmother was so excited that she could hardly contain herself.

Aery chose her words carefully. There were times when having a royal advisor for a grandmother was a good thing. Not when trying to keep secrets. “It’s hard to remember now — like a dream after waking.”

Her grandmother looked at her sideways. Aery tried to look back innocently. Inside, she fought a sudden urge to study the mud she had walked into the rug as she came in.

The old woman watched her wrestle with her memories for a moment. “It can be difficult”, she said. “But you must remember a strong image or two, at least. Did you reach the forest? It’s OK if you didn’t; it’s only your first time. Well… what did it feel like?”

“I saw the forest, but didn’t go there.” Aery pieced the sensations together and sorted them as best she could. She couldn’t shake off that one moment of connection. She had never felt anything like it. She smiled. “It felt.. wonderful.”

Some other time [Deja Vu]

2008-05-09T12:40:15Z

I staggered in anyway. What’s a broken down old building between friends?

Somehow, I knew this place: the pattern of bricks in the walls; the broken floor tiles, the color and texture of the light flooding in through the arches. Had I been here before? No.

I sat on the makeshift bench-ring, and looked at my friends. Dan stood tall, laughing in his usual dominant way that encompassed us all and claimed us as his gang. Pete and Ricky sat on either side of me, forming a perfect semi-circle with the others.

I searched the scene a moment longer, reaching for a memory, long forgotten. It was no use. Tired, I let me eyes fall to the ground.

Suddenly the broken floor was brand new. It exploded with intricate works of stylised imagery. The walls seemed vibrate with power. The others… a new beard, a different hairstyle. Everything was the same, but not. It felt… right.

My cloak ruffled in the wind. My cloak? I had changed too. I recognised myself a little.

What was this place? I only knew it was part of me.

Bugs! (Invisible Challenge)

2008-05-08T20:37:43Z

They droned through the sky, rising and falling to their own unknowable plan. I stared intently, stunned by glossy reds and blacks and motions that filled my senses.

Time seemed to slow. Could that be the sun, burning through my skin? It felt… it took… past and future were gone now. I stared on.

They turned. Their wings rose and fell endlessly as they flew. Such simple, magnificent beauty in those ladybugs.

And that’s when I saw them coming right for me.

Bugs!

2008-05-08T20:35:59Z

They droned through the sky, rising and falling to their own unknowable plan. I stared intently, stunned by glossy reds and blacks and motions that filled my senses.

Time seemed to slow. Could that be the sun, burning through my skin? It felt… it took… past and future were gone now. I stared on.

They turned. They wings rose and fell endlessly as they flew. Such simple, magnificent beauty in those ladybugs.

And that’s when I saw them coming right for me.

Tears

2008-05-08T20:21:39Z

Tears! How embarrassing.
When faced with such pain
One’s way should flow.

Alien

2008-05-08T19:08:23Z

“Why they called themselves Herminerm or whatever, I don’t know. Stupid aliens.” Annie slammed the tome down on her bureau. A plume of dust and desiccated dirt exploded into the air.

“I mean… it’s not like they aren’t smart enough to think of something pronounceable, right?” She snorted in contempt.

“And why do they even need those huge antennae, of all things?” She was really getting worked up now. “Just show me one Herminerm who can even pick up on something that’s right in front of him!”

The old floorboard creaked, and Annie spun to see Misha casually push away from the door frame and walk in.

Misha dropped her schoolbag by the wardrobe and studied her mother’s face. She chose her spot and sat slowly, sinking deep into the plush, immaculate bedding. She thought carefully for a moment, and suddenly grinned.

“Oh really, Mom? So why did you marry one then?”

Contracted Horizons

2008-05-08T18:02:35Z

But I can’t help feeling
That the world
Is

Pushing in. Is it supposed to?
The wide blue sky wants
To pour into my space; To bloat me
Like the widest fig tree

But instead
I fight it. I want
To be me.

which is MUCH too small for all of me.