nesdil's Stories

It's Worth It All

2008-10-10T23:56:11Z

If only I knew exactly why,
I always leave unsatisfied.
I desire to know you inside and out,
so that when I miss you I won’t doubt,
that somewhere you’re thinking of me too,
smiling in that sweet way you do.
I know I don’t always understand,
but when things get hard its with you I’ll stand.
I’ll carry you if you ever fall,
and remind you that its worth it all.
Theres something that I’ve yet to say;
that I’ve never missed you more than I do today.
Yes, I’m here without you, and while this is true,
never forget that I’m here for you too.

Broken Skin and a Broken Heart

2008-10-04T23:11:43Z

Broken skin and a broken heart,
the world was tearing me apart.
Each time I’d have to memorize,
smile and tell these deceptive lies.
It went too far and I was forced to confess:
I was hurting myself to escape my life’s mess.
It had to end and they made me swear,
telling me the intervention was because they cared.
But now as I watch the blood slowly seep,
I know I made a promise that I couldn’t keep.
I’d come so far but it was just too hard,
this habit I just can’t discard.
Broken skin and a broken heart,
the world is tearing me apart.

The First Time

2008-09-27T23:32:28Z

Today I smiled for the first time in years,
and it wasn’t fake or meant to deceive.
I was truly happy and before long,
I was laughing for joy of the life I’ve received.
And while I’m more aware of the wrongs of the world,
unleashed also is its’ beauty:
the half-turned leaves announcing autumns’ arrival,
the sky a shade of blue that I’ve never seen.
I lay in the grass,
finding shapes in the clouds like a child,
and for once,
allowing myself to step back for a while.
Buttery sunshine softly sweeps my skin,
a breeze gently stirring the trees,
and I marvel at this vastness,
at all that I’d failed to see.
How blind I had been,
I was so unaware,
but I opened my eyes,
and found someone for whom I care.
So this is for you,
a thanks for all you’ve done,
you’ve opened my heart to trust,
and hopefully soon to love.

The Atmosphere of Suicide

2008-09-06T16:53:40Z

Watch me as I fall,
listen to me die.
Smell the fear of nonexistence,
feel the atmosphere of suicide.
Follow the crowd,
just let me fade away.
I no longer regret it,
when I only said I was okay.
At least I won’t be missed,
theres no reason to care,
but they lied too;
this time when I fall,
they won’t be there.
Its tiring and painful,
every day I fake a smile,
and in the end, for who I please,
it wasn’t worthwhile.
Watch me as I fall,
listen to me die.
Smell the fear of nonexistence,
its time; my suicide.

A Never-Ending Trap

2008-08-28T21:18:35Z

I’m tired.
I can’t go on living like this,
but I’m not ready to give up.
I have yet to achieve what I want,
and I can’t stop until I have.
Its exhausting,
and I just want to let go.
I’ve let it take control of me,
but I just keep denying it;
I’m not sick,
there is nothing wrong with me,
I don’t have it as bad as my other friends that are like me.
I’m obsessed.
I can’t go a minute without thinking of new excuses,
planning the days’ exercise;
I must always be under control.
Everything that I do is mechanical,
forced;
that smile before I leave for school,
that laugh with a best friend at a once-funny joke.
But it is no longer.
Things have lost their meaning,
I feel hollow and cold
I remember once telling myself that I would never be like this,
never swallow all those media-fed images,
but now they’ve become my inspiration.
I try and fool myself into thinking that I can stop,
but I know that it isn’t like that;
its a never-ending trap,
and I’m already caught.

Straight From My Heart

2008-08-20T17:35:00Z

The moonlight streams through my window,
and I lay here in the dark,
unable to sleep.
I wrap a blanket around my shoulders,
remembering your embrace,
how we used to hold each other close,
promising never to let go.
Yet life never goes as planned and we drifted apart,
the bitter ending leaving us hurt and in fear.
For a time,
I felt nothing but pure hatred towards you,
but as I spiraled down into depression,
I couldn’t deny that I still cared.

One night,
broken,crying,and torn apart,
I sought your help;
you would understand.
And I found that you’d moved on,
when I had merely fooled myself into thinking that I had.
I couldn’t breath,
it didn’t make sense;
how could you love us both?
Your decision won’t be rushed,
take all the time you need.
I have never wanted you more,
needed you more,
loved you more,
than I do now.
I won’t tell you to love me if it isn’t what you want,
but just know that these words come straight from my heart.

Only The Beginning

2008-08-18T17:04:15Z

I remember seeing you passed out on the floor,
just days after you promised you were better.
I cried through the night,
feeling betrayed,unloved,and confused.
You came home from the hospital,
still on sedatives from the detox,
and disappeared into your room.
I didn’t understand;
what had I done wrong?
Was I not good enough for my own father?
I was nervous and scared.
Stumbling towards me,
you began to speak,
but I wasn’t listening.
I smelled it on your breath,
and with a pang in my stomach,
I remembered the pills you’d been given.
Mixed with alcohol,
what would happen?
A quick phone call,
again,
and I finally heard the sirens;
the most relieving sound there ever was.
I stood in terror as they strapped you down to the stretcher,
in fear of what you might do.
I watched the van pull away;
it was only the beginning.

Dead To The World

2008-08-10T20:29:53Z

Sorrow-darkened eyes stare back at you,
ringed by thick dark makeup,
an attempt to hide the pain and suffering.
Underneath all of it,
shadows show lack of sleep.
Long, stringy blond hair covers one side of her face,
down which tears have left black streaks.
Your eyes meet hers for a split second,
and she looks away,
her gaze dropping to her inner forearms.
You glance down to see long, red gashes,
some more recent than others,
some already faded to white scars,
indicating a long relationship with this behavior.

Unseen under her black sweatshirt,
her ribs are easily visible,
bones showing too much to be healthy.
She cares for no one,
no one cares for her.
Easily forgotten,
shes always alone.
Shes dead to the world,
so follow everyone else,
and just look away.

The Pain of Misplaced Love

2008-08-10T20:03:48Z

A secret,
killing me from the inside,
continuously trying to be seen.
I love him,
but I can’t tell him.
I want him,
but I can’t have him.
I won’t accept it,
my mind wont let me,
but I know that someday I must.
I try and keep myself away,
for I feel as though I am a burden.
I tell myself to wait for him,
to let him seek my company.
But he won’t,
for he understands that we can never be,
while I deny it and live in ignorance.

I try not to think of the way he makes me laugh,
or of the times we sat together,
sharing stories of sorrow and comforting each other,
telling secrets,
admitting what we were scared of,
amazed at how much we could relate.
My heart sinks at the thought of saying goodbye,
after all the hours of developing a relationship that will never exist.
My only consolation is that he does not suffer,
as he realizes the impossibility.
Yet I continue to feel the agony;
the pain of misplaced love.

Our Time Will Come

2008-08-10T15:42:47Z

Dark, smoky clouds obscure each mountains’ tip,
the surrounding trees creating a perfect frame from where I sit.
A light breeze stirs the grass, and my attention is drawn.
This place is filled with memories of you:
your laughter,
your smile,
your voice whispering in my ear.
On rainy days,
I can feel your hand in mine,
I can hear your promising that we’ll be together someday,
and that we’ll see each other again.
When I sit by the fire every night,
I remember the way the flames danced in your eyes,
the way we’d forget everyone around us,
with no interest in anyone but each other/
A tear escapes and rolls down my face,
and I don’t bother to try and stop them as they continue to fall,
letting the silent sobs shake through me.
I think about the life we could have,
the moments we might someday share.
Between you and my mind,
there is nothing,
but between you and I,
an ocean.
A day doesn’t pass that you aren’t on my mind,
so all I can do is believe your promise,
and trust that our time will come.

Nothing But You and I

2008-07-29T23:25:41Z

I’ve been used more times than I can recall,
hit several times too many,
and had my heart broken more times than there are numbers to count with.
The bruises on my arms are still visible,
a reminder of all the pain I’ve known,
and the cuts on my wrists are failed attempts to forget it.
Sometimes at night I wake up screaming,
my mind filled with images I can’t erase,
memories I can’t let go,
and until the sun rises I’ll lie awake,
scared of my unconscious thoughts.
Then all day I’ll spend,
slowly tracing the course of my self-inflicted wounds,
remembering what caused each of them.

But then,
when I’m with you,
all of that disappears,
and it is as though none of my past ever happened;
I was never hurt just for existing,
never had an alcoholic father,
was never in an abusive relationship.
I forget the existence of the world,
and sometimes the necessity of breathing.
Nothing else matters when I’m with you,
nothing but you and I.

Stargazing In Your Eyes

2008-07-26T14:35:22Z

I lay upon the asphalt,
still warm from the days’ sun,
and stare up into the dark, starry sky.
Breathing in,
I take in all there is about this moment:
your face above me,
eyes staring into mine,
the cool night air.
The way I can feel my heart accelerate in the second before our lips touch,
and how even as I lie in the middle of the road,
there is nothing I fear,
for I know that you’ll let nothing harm me.

Thinking back now,
just an hour after my memory,
I smile,
remembering what was going on in my head at that moment.
I never thought it was possible,
I thought I’d felt everything there was to feel;
I was wrong.
I can’t remember ever being happier than I was at that time,
stargazing in your eyes.

An Artists' Dream, A Writers' Nightmare

2008-07-13T17:13:17Z

Your eyes:
oceans’ water in the sunlight,
a sunset after a rainstorm.
A tropical islands’ waters on a perfect day,
blue-tinted leaves half in shadow.
An artists’ dream,
a writers’ nightmare,
a photographers’ break into the industry;
indescribable.

How poor my descriptions are,
how they fail to even begin to show how breathtaking,
how heart-stopping,
how simply perfect they are.
Your eyes capture mine and lock them in place,
and I stare,
stunned and in awe,
at the excessive beauty.
I suppose it can happen,
and I know because now it has;
I’m lost.

What Every Girl Wants

2008-07-06T12:17:01Z

You made me laugh,
you made me smile,
and for a while I felt like I was head-over-heels in love.
But as the time went by,
and as I searched for my real feelings,
it seemed as though I loved the idea of who you are:
someone that cares for me more than anything else in the world,
that loves every part of me,
that I can talk to for hours.
And yet,
although your personality is the sweetest I know,
I was fooling myself.

I wanted to feel towards someone what you feel towards me;
I wanted what every girl wants:
to be swept off her feet,
to get lost in someones eyes,
to have all her troubles melt away with just a simple kiss.
Maybe its selfish,
maybe an impossible dream,
I’m not entirely sure.
But now I’ve learned that ignorance truly is bliss,
and that stepping into reality is what hurts the most.

Dreams Really Do Come True

2008-07-06T12:08:36Z

My mind is counting down the days until I see you again,
so I can feel the thrill that runs through me at your every touch,
the flips in my stomach when I look into your eyes.
Thinking about hearing your laugh,
seeing your smile,
being with you everyday,
is a thought I contemplate with more joy than I could have imagined possible.

You’re the only one I dream of,
the one who watches,
eyes dancing,
as I run into your waiting arms.
At first I struggled,
unused to having someone care in the least about me,
but now that I’ve let you so close to my heart,
the confusion takes a backseat to sheer happiness.
Darling, I love you, theres not a doubt in my mind,
so I suppose that dreams really do come true.