Never Explain's Stories

Apple=Dissed!!!

2008-07-17T02:00:29Z

“All people who own Macs go to hell.” Tom said simply.

“Why?” I asked.

“Apple ran out of land to legally buy out to make room for their tech-support buildings, so Steven Jobs and The Wonderful Wizard of Woz sold what they thought was their souls in exchange for most of hell to make room for their Mac tech support service.” Tom said.

“Why would they do that?” I asked.

“Let’s face it, bud.” Tom said. “Macs are pieces of crap, they were and always will be. I’ve doomed Apple to business-time of inadequacy!!! MUAHAHAHAHA ” Tom’s laugh boomed through the room.

“Ok…” I said. “But how can they sell their souls when they don’t have ones?”

“They sold their sex lives.” Tom said.

“But how would the devil have any room for torture and stuff?” I asked.

“Trust me, working at a tech support facility for Apple is hell enough.” Tom sighed.

Laura's Life

2008-07-14T18:36:20Z

Laura couldn’t sleep. Over the last month she’d been going to the beach and clubs constantly, putting herself out there and she hasn’t gotten any attention.

Being a beautiful young woman of 23 and very endowed, she had always been told that men would want her, and not to be easily won over. Her parents’ warnings had yet to be proven true.

She was living alone, was single, she’d lost contact with most her college friends, and she was working at a plastic surgery clinic, but too afraid to take the opportunity of free surgeries.

Thus, she resorted to online dating. She signed up to a free dating site that night, and she looked at her first list of matches. She picked the first one, and read his profile.

This guy looks okay. She thought.

She read his profile:

My name’s Justin, and I am looking for some good fun. I’m a pretty laid back person and I love the beach. Feel free to talk to me anytime if you want to get together. By the way, I’M A BEAST AT CLEANING SEPTIC TANKS !!!!.

Oh….... Laura thought.

Do You Own A Mac?

2008-07-11T20:44:56Z

“Uh…let’s see…how should I put this.” Tom said., “Um…you don’t have one.”

“I don’t have a soul?” I said, more amused than offended.

“Well, no one does.” Tom said, “The idea of having a soul is completely fictional, and even if you did it would serve no purpose.”

“Huh…cool.” I said, shrugging.

“You know what?” Tom said, “You’re alright. You’re taking all of this in stride. I like that. You just might be a keeper.”

I smiled at him. “thanks, man. I really apprecia-”

“WAIT.” Tom’s voice went of like a gunshot in the library. “You will definately go to heaven under one condition: do you own a Mac, Mac book, or any other Apple-made computer?”

“What? Why?” I asked.

Bruce Not-So-Almighty

2008-07-11T20:18:57Z

“Okay, the truth is… I’m not omniscient like most Christians believe.” Tom said, “I’m not everywhere, I don’t know everything, and I sure as hell don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow , next week, or next year!“

“But if you don’t know everything, then how are you answering my questions exactly like you are now?” I asked.

“The Oracle.” Tom explained, “It’s a stone tablet in heaven that will pretty much give you a straight answer to any fact-based question. Also, to answer your question, the reason why I let so many bad things happen in the world is not only because I don’t know that they are happening half the time, It’s also because I can’t physically do anything about it. So it’s really all luck.”

“Why can’t you do anything about it?” I asked.

“Listen,” Tom said. “When I am down here on earth, I am just another human, ok? I’m only powerful when I am in heaven.”

“Ok.” I said. “What is a soul for?”

Question #2

2008-07-11T12:14:23Z

“Okay…” I said, getting ready for another question. “Why do you let so many bad things happen in the world?”

Tom sighed, and mumble something under his breath the sounded like “For the millionth time?”. He still answered promptly.

“Ok, you wanna know the real truth?” Tom asked, and a nodded quickly. “Ok, the truth is…...the Catholics have it all wrong.”

He gave me time to open my mouth in surprise.

“B-but how?” I stammered, “You are their god!”

“Not true!” Shadow called from across the room, he was still with Nikki, “I’m Wiccan and I’m an angel!”

Tom took a glance at Shadow, then back to me.

“He’s right.” He said, “But I’ll explain that later.”

I nodded and Tom went on.

Teenage Dictionary, Gamer Edition

2008-07-10T21:46:25Z

We should so publish these dictionary ficlets…oh, well…heres my addition:

PWNAGE - An accidental typo-turned-word, abbreviating Pure Ownage. Used mostly when a great victory has happened.
Ex: I just killed that guy on Call of Duty PWNAGE !!!!!!

BOOM HEADSHOT - Usually used while playing a shooting video game in the event when a certain player shoot’s an enemy in the head. May also be used as a generic term when PWNAGE is achieved
Ex: Okay, I got this guy locked on…BOOM HEADSHOT !!!

N00B - Among the video game related words, this game is used as an insult towards someone who is bad at a certain game.
Ex: Dude! That guy whats right there! You could have killed him, you N00B !!

L33T - 1.Also among the video game words, this word is the opposite of N00B
Ex: I’m so L33T at Viva Pinata
L33T - 2.L33T is also known as a language where players replace letters with similar-looking numbers and other characters. This is often used among the gaming community.
Ex: 1 sp33k l33t, !’m 70m

An Inconvenient Question

2008-07-10T19:48:31Z

“Why do you sit up in heaven while the world’s ozone layer rots?” Another new voice appeared. This time it was from another angel, he had graying wings. He was a little on the chubby side, and he had neatly combed gray hair.

“Me dammit!” Tom explained. “I knew I shouldn’t have made you an angel! I don’t know why I have angels in politics, let alone democrats!”

“Hey, you invited me.” The man said. “And it’s not my fault I got a nobel prize for An Inconvenient Truth....and inventing the internet!”

“You didn’t invent the internet, and that crappy-ass movie of yours isn’t even half true!!” Tom boomed. “Now I banish you, ya damn liberal!!”

In a puff of black smoke, the man who I was starting to think was Al Gore was gone.

Tom was shaking his head. “Politicians make horrible angels. Please, next question.”

Question #1

2008-07-10T12:12:11Z

“Okay,” I said, queuing up my questions. “Why did you create ticks and flies?”

Tom gave me a kind of look, as if to say, “Is that all you got for me?” He answered anyway.

“Every living thing goes to heaven or hell, right?” Tom explained. “And both ticks and flies spend their short lives being pests and living off of other people. How do you think that’s gonna add up for them when they die. Not good, right?”

I nodded, following every word.

Tom continued:

“So, when all ticks, flies, and other pests of that nature all go straight to hell when they die, okay? Also, you aren’t allowed to kill anything in hell, nor is it possible, can you imagine how annoyed it must get down in hell with clouds of flies and ticks and other pests flying around and stuff? It gets really annoying like that in hell. I’ve been there, I would know. Thus, the whole point of creating ticks and flies is simply to-”

“To annoy Satan?” I suggested.

“You’re catching on, kid.” Tom grinned “This is fun! Next question!”

Well, Maybe You Are...

2008-07-10T05:04:49Z

In was shaking my head now, still not believing what I was seeing.

“You so aren’t God, how old are you?” I said frantically.

“Thirteen.” Tom answered.

“And you’re an-” I said to Nikki, but she cut me off.

“Yeah, I’m an angel.” She said, then turned to Tom. “Can I go now?”

He shook his head. “I just invited your Shadow.”

Nikki’s eyes flickered with a sudden light, then shrugged.

“What’s up, everyone?” A tall, short-haired guy with brownish wings stepped into the room out of nowhere.

”’Sup.” Tom said, nodding quickly to Shadow, who was soon glued to Nikki by the lips.

“So you really are-” I started.

“Yup.” Tom said.

“And they are real-”

“Yup.”

“So can you answer a few of my-”

“Sure thing, bud.” He answered with a quick grin.

No, You Aren't

2008-07-10T04:51:24Z

I was hardly believing what he was saying. He must have a bunch of speakers set up or something….

“No you’re not.” I said.

“I am.” He said, his voice still booming.

“No, there is on way you are god.” I said incredulously.

“Oh, he’s GOD , alright.” A female voice said.

I looked to the source of the voice, and a girl, probably about as old as Tom, step out form behind him.

“Oh…hey, Nikki.” Tom said casually. “Nice for you to fly in.”

Fly?! I thought. _ What the hell does he mean by tha-_

I apparently had forgotten one important detail about Nikki…SHE HAS WINGS !!!

One Hell...no....Heaven of an Introduction

2008-07-10T04:40:51Z

“What is it?” I asked and this, obviously from Tom’s point of view, was a very stupid question.

“What do you think?” He said. “Look at the damn cover.”

I read the cover. In fancy silver lettering it said Scot Garren, 12 years old, born November 16th, 1994 at 13:00 hours

“No way.” I said. “That’s my name, and my birthday on this book.”

“Yeah it is, open it.” Tom said, nodding to the book.

I opened it up to the last page, and it read:

Explores mysterious office building, 12:00 hours

Finds own LifeBook, 12:30 hours

Discovers who is tour guide really is, in 3, 2, 1…

“Who are you?” I asked.

Tom spread his arms out, and his voice echoed terrifically through the room:

“I….am GOD .”

....Biographies

2008-07-10T04:14:09Z

“This…is the library.” tom said as we walked up another ornate staircase into a giant room lined with countless bookshelves.

“Woah.” I said, being dazzled by the phenomenal lighting and the countless books.

“You’re damn right.” He said, “It took for ever to get all these into here.”

“What are all these books about?” I asked.

“People.” Tom answered shortly.

“Like who?” I asked.

“Everyone.” He said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Think of all of these books as….biographies.” Tom said, shrugging in the last word. “You want to see yours?”

“What?” I said, disbelieving.

“Wait here.” Tom winked, and disappeared among the bookshelves to return with a brown leather bound book about few inches thick.

Third Floor

2008-07-10T03:49:42Z

I started leading me down the hall, not really wasting time with descriptions by just naming the rooms by purpose:

“Okay, we got an office, another office, lounge, lunchroom, office, office, gift shop, office….”

He went on a little bit after that, but I was paying more attention to the individual rooms than what he was saying.

The offices were definately set up with feng shui in mind, with each office having a neat desk and a well-trimmed plant in the corner with a nice window view.

“Why was this place built right in the middle of a neighborhood?” I asked.

“Because I wanted it to be.” Tom said.

“You’re in charge of this building?” I asked in amazement.

“Yep.” He said, but he was saying this like it was normal or something, like he was talking about the weather. “You want to see the last floor?”

“Cool.” I said.

Second Floor

2008-07-10T03:36:52Z

“Well, for starters, this is the secretary’s desk that I’m leaning against.l” he said. “Now lemme show you the back offices.”

I nodded and followed his slow steps to the back of the building. He led me into a room full of computers.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

“This is the main workroom.” He said. “These are the public computers that are used for general reference and stuff. We also keep our servers here.”

“Cool.” I responded, still amazed at the cleanliness of the whole place.

“Let’s move onto the second floor.” Tom said, looking down at me with a small smile on his face.”

We walked up a glass staircase that led to a long hallway, with a ton of doors on each side.

“Let’s go.” Tom said, and I nodded my approval.

Touring with Tom

2008-07-10T03:23:48Z

The guy was really tall and thin, with really long, wild and thick hair the hung down to his shoulders. He looked about as old as me, maybe older, but wasn’t exactly dressed up for this event considering he was only wearing thin-cut jeans and a t-shirt with torn up converse shoes.

“Uh, Hello?” I said, hoping to find a little bit of entertainment from someone my age.

“Whuh?” He said. His voice was sorta low and relaxed, very chill.

“Is anyone even here for the open house?” I asked, trying to start a conversation.

“What open house?” He asked.

“There’s a sign on the door for an open house here.” I said.

“Oh, that.” He said. “In that case, I might as well show you around. What’s your name, bud?”

“Scot, what about yours?”

“My name’s Tom. Let’s walk around the first floor a little bit, i think you’ll like the place.”

“Sure.” I said.