Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars' Stories

Experimental Ficlet No. 16

2008-07-05T06:17:15Z

… but no one could survive having an entire Universe dropped on them, right…?

The Signal (Scavenger Hunt Challenge)

2008-06-26T07:59:15Z

“The Signal has been broadcasting since 1977, at least,” Professor Lee explained to the President and his advisers.

I was more focused on the cig currently twirling like a baton in my left hand. Lee was muttering something about how The Signal was broadcasting in the 23Hz range when the old man interrupted.

“But Lee – Lee, this is bull, right?” The President said, wearing that stupid smirk that got him elected.

“This is Science!” Lee declared. Pompous turd.

I couldn’t take it anymore. “You’re telling us that Men from Mars are shooting radio waves at us for what, exactly? To deny us the ability to watch Blossom reruns?”

“God only knows, Rita,” Lee replied, “If I had to guess? It’s a weapon.”

“I’m from Detroit, champ. I’d know a weapon if I saw one,” I lit up and took a drag. “And it’s Doctor Rita to you. Dick.”

“Uh, no smoking in the Oval Office, Doc,” the President said.

“Well, if what he says is true, we’ll all be dead soon, anyhow. I hear everybody smokes in Hell. I’m just getting a head start.”

The Hitler Suicides

2008-04-22T00:40:47Z

“Well, ain’t this ironic,” Detective Murray Russell growled, glowering at the crime scene like an angry old silverback gorilla.

Detective Alan Coates was examining the bodies. He paused, cocking an eyebrow at his partner. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”

“What the hell would you call it?” Russell snarled. “Guy poisons his old lady, then snuffs himself with a vintage Kraut Luger…dressed like Hitler…on today of all days? See? Ironic.”

“What’s a pothead holiday got to do with anything?”

“4/20 is Hitler’s birthday, numb nuts.”

“Whatever, Alanis,” Coates said. “It’s still not irony. Irony is the disparity…”

“Hold that thought,” Russell said, answering his mobile. He grunted into the phone for a moment, hung up and his mood was worse than ever.

“Let the Medical Examiner take care of Adolf,” he said.

“What’s up?” Coates asked.

“Another murder-suicide. Another husband and wife. And get this: hubby is dressed like Hitler.”

“That is weird,” Coates said. “but it’s still not ironic.”

Taking Sides

2008-04-02T07:40:32Z

The cosmic shimmy had died down after the the Angel spoke, so Angela decided it was worth the risk to sneak a peek.

She cracked open one eye, then the other. Her face hadn’t melted like that guy in that Indiana Jones movie, so she took that as a good sign.

The Angels weren’t what Angela expected. They had taken human form and looked more like a trio of male models than the vengeful arbiters of God’s Will.

“Ireul, Shamsiel and Bardiel. I’m disappointed,” Lilith sneered, addressing the Angels. “I would have thought that Michael himself would have come to confront me. Instead, I get you nobodies.”

“Lilith First-Wife, Mother of Abominations,” Ireul roared, “Heaven hast gazed upon your brazen actions with great displeasure…”

“That’s right, skank!” Blake hooted. “The calvary has arrived! This party is over!”

Ireul glanced at Blake like he was an insect, before continuing. “…My brothers and I wish to pledge ourselves to you and your war against Heaven.” The Angels kneeled.

Lilith laughed.

“Crap,” Blake said.

Wings Like Fire, Voices Like Thunder

2008-04-02T06:23:05Z

All of reality seemed to shake and shudder, like someone trying to knock down a locked door.

A locked door the size of the entire Universe.

Blake felt it. Winters felt it. Van Helsing would have felt it, too, if he weren’t busy having a stake rammed through his heart at that very moment.

Lilith definitely felt it, dressed as she was in the cold, sigil emblazoned flesh of undead Dr. Stephanie Gage. She stood, arms crossed across her naked chest. Waiting. Defiant.

A light: glowing, pulsing, emanated from somewhere, from everywhere.

“Don’t look at it,” Blake begged. “Shut your eyes, Angie, and don’t look at it, no matter what happens.”

Reality quaked again. Angela finally sensed it, somewhere deep down in her damaged soul. Even though her eyes were closed, she could still see it, burned on her eyelids.

Wings made of fire. Black eyes, dark as the eternal emptiness of infinite space. Voices of thunder.

Angels.

“Lilith,” one of the Angels said, it’s voice a lion’s roar, “we wouldst have words with thee.”

Regrets? I've Had a Few...

2008-03-24T06:12:54Z

Gates watched helplessly as death pirouetted down the hall, trailing smoke and flame.

Aware that he’d never get a shot off before the incoming missile put an end to his very bad day, all Gates could do was lie back, think of England…and hope being exploded to death didn’t hurt too much.

He expected his life to flash before his eyes…but all he got were repeats of his first date with Joan: when he literally pulled her fat out of the fire.

An action that Gates regretted, especially right now.

He swore (to no one in particular) that, given a second chance, he would absolutely choose his next bit of fluff with more care. No more instantly falling for fit birds with pretty faces.

He’d at least find out if they were psychotic before the initial shagging.

“You’re Gates, right?” a female voice asked.

Gates opened his eyes. What he found was the missile, frozen in mid-air…and a pretty young Asian woman in aviator goggles and a white silk scarf.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m Jenny.”

“I’m in love,” Gates answered.

Life is Like A Poet

2008-03-20T21:12:58Z

Life is like a poet.

You probably won’t be appreciated until after you’re dead.

The First Illusion

2008-03-12T18:18:51Z

“This place? It’s a zoo. You’re on display, just like all the other animals. And if you don’t leave, that’s all you’ll ever be: just another animal,” I pleaded urgently.

“Why would we want to leave?” the woman asked, incredulous. “We have everything we want. It’s beautiful and it’s perfect. It’s paradise.”

“It’s a prison,” I responded. “A black iron prison. It’s just so big that you can’t see the bars.” The woman stared at me, incomprehension in her dull, sheepish eyes.

“A…prison?” She said the word as if she had heard it long ago, but had since forgotten it’s meaning.

“You…are not free,” I spoke slowly, my patience wearing thin. “You are someone’s property. You were stolen; enslaved in shackles made of ignorance. Bound in a cage built of shapes and angles. Imprisoned by geometry.”

“This is not paradise,” I said. “This is an illusion. We’ve all been lied to. Do it. Then you’ll know.”

She hesitated; then she slowly raised the fruit to her lips, took a bite…

…and Eden, the First Illusion, faded away.

Ozymandias Retold, or That Awesome Thing in The Desert

2008-03-11T02:27:31Z

I met this dude
Form this totally ancient land,
And he was all like: “Bro, there’s this busted gigantic statue
of some like medieval type dude in the desert. It’s totally righteous.”
And I was like “No way!”
And he was all like “Way.”
And then I was like, “I would very much like to behold such an astonishing feat of ancient engineering. Lead on, my good man!”
And he was like, “With all due haste, dear sir! Prepare thyself for a spectacle unseen by the eyes of man for uncounted Æons!”

And all it was was this pair of broken legs
Sticking out of the sand,
And I was pretty bummed until I read what was written there:

My name is Crown Me Tarzan,
King of Mars,
Look upon my most excellent works,
Ye mighty douchebags,
And totally despair!

And I was like: “That’s pretty awesome.”

THE END

My Pledge of Awesomeness

2008-03-11T01:46:10Z

For my Feat of Awesomeness, I will kick the crap out of writers block.

I will quit being so hung up on trying to create a masterpiece that I’m paralyzed into not creating anything.

I will write something, anything, nearly every day. If it’s crap, so be it. I guarantee that it will at least be entertaining crap.

I will comment on other’s stories.

I will sequel.

I will finish what I start.

Eventually.

Also, I will learn to play the guitar.

I will buy a guitar.

But not just any guitar. The most awesome guitar in this or any other universe:

http://images.wwbw.com/products/original/Squier/290945.jpg

I dare you to look at that bad boy and tell me it is not awesome.

But most of all, for my Feat of Awesomeness, I will endeavor to increase my awesomeness and decrease my unawesomeness.

Also, I will attempt to use other adjectives besides awesome in daily conversation.

Because having an awesome vocabulary is… pretty awesome.

Stella Starr and The Case of the Fledgling Flapper: Evie's Got a Gun

2008-03-11T00:59:18Z

Stella turned around and found herself staring down the business end of a .38. On the other side of that heater was the elusive Evelyn Marzi.

“Stella Starr, Girl Detective,” Evelyn drawled. “How’d ya’ find me?” She wasn’t even trying to hide her countrified accent anymore.

“Wasn’t that hard. I Just followed the trail of broken hearts, empty bank accounts and dead sugar daddies, doll.” Stella slid forward, slowly, as she spoke.

“I – I didn’t mean to kill him,” Evelyn cried, “His mitts was all over me…I tol’ him I weren’t that kinda’ girl…”

“Tell it to Sweeney, sweetie. Your folks are paying me a load of scratch to drag your butt back to BFE . That’s as far as my interest in this case goes.” Stella was close enough to smell gun oil and cordite.

“I ain’t goin’ back, and no grade-school gumshoe is gonna’ make me!” Evelyn’s trigger-finger was getting itchier by the second. Stella was inches away; she had to act fast if she was going to end this confrontation without catching a serious case of lead poisoning…

Mermaid's Avenue

2008-02-16T10:34:32Z

Traveling west, you, Joe and Zoe head for Mermaid’s Cove.

There, you find a ship. By it’s tattered skull and crossbones flag, you realize that this must have been an ancient pirate ship. Beached and rotting, it has obviously been here for a long time.

“I’ll bet you that the treasure is in that ship!” Joe shouts as he runs ahead, leaving you and Zoe behind.

Zoe laughs. “I guess someone should make sure he doesn’t get in trouble.” She follows Joe’s path across the sand.

You start to follow, but stop. You have the feeling that you are being watched. You look around.

There! In the jungle! Is that someone standing behind that tree? Someone with long blond hair that shimmers in the moonlight?

You hear a sound. The most beautiful singing you’ve ever heard, and it’s coming from the water.

You are officially creeped out. What do you do now?

Inspect the creepy derelict pirate ship.

Investigate the creepy blond haired apparition in the jungle.

Check out the creepy singing coming from the water.

The Blitzkrieg Bop

2008-02-16T09:05:31Z

The three of you continue east, headed toward the spot marked on the map as “Blitzkrieg Bay”.

As you press through the jungle, you stumble over something hidden in the undergrowth. Your foot makes contact with the hidden object and you hear a metallic thud.

“What the heck…” you mutter. Zoe and Joe gather around and help you clear vines and vegetation, revealing…

“Some sort of a…hatch,” Zoe says, puzzled. “Who would build something like this on a deserted island?”

“Maybe the treasure is down there.” Joe answers, opening the hatch and looking down. “There’s a ladder.”

Before you can reply, you hear a low growl. About twenty feet away, you spot an animal. A huge mass of white fur and muscle, it’s jaws slavering and a hungry gleam in it’s coal black eyes.

A polar bear.

What do you do now?

Find a weapon and stand and fight!

A freaking polar bear!? Run!

Down the hatch!

Better Run Through the Jungle

2008-02-16T07:51:04Z

You decide to continue north, hoping to elude your pursuers in the jungle.

After a few minutes of running through dense jungle, the three of you stumble upon a stream.

“I think…we lost…them,” Zoe gasps, collapsing by the water.

But you aren’t so sure. Are those whispers you hear? And was that…a wisp of black smoke?

“I think we should keep moving…” you begin to say. The earth shakes and trembles. In the distance, tree after tree crash to the ground.

“Earthquake!” Joe screams.

A booming roar splits the air! More trees rip from the ground, in a straight line, coming right in your direction!

“That’s no earthquake,” you say.

“Run!” Zoe shouts.

Run? OK, but where?

Monster! Don’t think, just RUN !

Screw this! I’ll take my chances with the pirates! Go back the way you came.

You don’t believe in monsters. Stand your ground and figure out what’s really going on.

Nonconformist Conformity (or, Do You Like My New Tattoo?) [six word challenge]

2008-02-13T02:04:14Z

I’m different.

Just like everybody else.
_____