Dear Gossip Girl: My husband won’t let me perform my nightly ritual of watching ET with a gallon of rocky road ice cream by my side. He wants to watch something called football instead. Help?

-ET Phones Home

To ET: Have you ever considered divorcing your husband? Why listen to his idiotic, no doubt indecipherable mumblings when you can just walk away from him forever? All the stars in Hollywood do it. Why listen to his wants and needs?

Dear Gossip Girl: I’m freaking out. I’m trying out to become a model, but they won’t accept me because I don’t smoke or take medicines usually given to horses to get thinner, and I gained three ounces of weight yesterday! Advice?

-Wannabe Anorexic

To Wannabe: Smoke. Take those medicines usually reserved for horses. Become bulimic. Drop that disgusting three ounces of weight, any way you can!

Dear Gossip Girl: Your advice columns freak me out. Your answers are hazardous. What should I do?

-Concerned Doctor

To Doctor: ...