Ficlets

The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}

The elevator was crowded, I held my mother’s hand, my three older brothers would come up on the next elavator with my dad.

I smelled amonia, cleaning fluids, Mr. Clean maybe, I wasn’t sure, I just knew I didn’t like this place.

People were all talking at once, someone down the hall shrieked and I clung closer to my mother, held her hand in a tighter grip.

My mother spoke to a nurse.

We went into a tiny room. A small shriveled old woman in a gown sat in a chair and stared. Her hair was jet black.

My mother handed the woman a bag, she opened it without a word. In the bag was a powder puff, which the old woman began to immediately apply liberally to her face.

A cloud of powder dust rising to the ceiling.
My father and brothers arrived, all talking at once.

The old woman , now covered in powder, reached into a small clutch purse, pulled out 4 coins and handed one to each of us boys.

In my outstretched hand I held a shiny new 1982 quarter.

“Say thank you to your great grandmother,” my mother said.

Comments

Average Reader Rating:

The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
THX 0477
Posted about 1 year ago

Heehee, I just finished my own entry into this challenge. I like the tone of yours, very abrupt maybe. I don’t know, but it conveys well how the kid is feeling.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
SKermitgorf
Posted about 1 year ago

It’s based on a true story.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
m8ryx
Posted about 1 year ago

very surreal, like only reality can be. Well-written, reads smoothly. I like the choice of perspective (but I’d be curious how 1st person went too).

The only line I had issue with was the second half of the second paragraph, but no big deal, just didn’t flow with the rest…I think because it added a degree of omniscient to the 3rd-person.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
Stoner
Posted about 1 year ago

How magical was it as a kid to get a coin or two from a grandparent. Very nice story.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
SKermitgorf
Posted about 1 year ago

I Change it to 1st person, maybe it works better this way?
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
Alexa ♥
Posted about 1 year ago

Ties in nicely with the challenge.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
Batak Beatrix
Posted about 1 year ago

I like how you captured the awkward alien feel of the place and situation. It brought back definite memories from childhood.
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
m8ryx
Posted about 1 year ago

I think they both work really well, you have a good story, and you capture the images nicely. It’s one of the amazing things about writing, like drawing (no can do) or taking photos…where do you stand when you choose what to share?

Which do you like better KG?
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
Mistress Elsha Hawk
Posted about 1 year ago

this made me feel awkward, good writing!
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
One Time, One Chance
Posted about 1 year ago

whoa.
tht was pretty creepy.
after reading this, i found a quarter on my computer desk tht i swear wasn’t there before.
shudder. thts pretty creepy.
~
Mr. Clean’s the mann.
nice job =]
The Visit {mundane object challenge :The Quarter}
Blossom Ruoqen
Posted about 1 year ago

the quarter from great grandma was magical
; )