Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

by Howie Amourscow

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When she got back from the emergency animal hospital, she decided the painkillers would work better if washed down with Crown Royal. She thought maybe she could OD and wind up in hog heaven. She wasn’t sold on the idea of rejoining her dearly departeds, but it couldn’t be worse than the trailer park.

But that wasn’t what happened: what happened was she found herself making a long-distance call, hoping he wouldn’t answer. Was it a booty call if he was on the far side of the world? He was the best lover she’d had—better than Kermie or any of the guest stars she’d slept with. She’d called him “Sex Machine” in her diary, or “SM” for short. You wouldn’t have thunk it to look at him, but he was Dionysus in the boudoir.

The phone clicked to life. Christ, someone was home. She pressed her numb snout to the glass living room table and prayed she had a wrong number.

“Meep?” he said. She didn’t respond, and he began shouting on his end, “Meep mp mip mmmm mr! Mrmmrm?” Sex Machine was about to hang up when she spoke.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Howie Amourscow's Buddy Icon Howie Amourscow

    Posted 9 months ago

    While Fozzie gets his gun, Miss Piggy calls an old friend…

  2. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    SKermitgorf's Buddy Icon SKermitgorf

    Posted 9 months ago

    Hysterically funny a riot a tour de farce!! a drunken has been MissPiggy ....the meep sound.. classic..

  3. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Tad Winslow's Buddy Icon Tad Winslow

    Posted 9 months ago

    According to Stephen King, hog heaven is laying in a bath tub, reading a good book, and ashing a cigarette into the toiolet bowl. lol. I like all of the sayings crammed into this ficlet—especially hog heaven.

  4. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Jenunique's Buddy Icon Jenunique

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I started reading this series. Then I was reading so deeply I didn’t even stop to comment until I ran out of material. Excellent!! Now I must go back and comment, while wiping tears of laughter from my cheeks! ;)

  5. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Sailor Emo's Buddy Icon Sailor Emo

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Ack! Who is it?!

  6. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    THX 0477's Buddy Icon THX 0477

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Practically on the floor at the ‘Meep?’ Twisted, twisted, twisted. It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?
    LoA

  7. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Yeah Write!'s Buddy Icon Yeah Write!

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Meep! Meep?! haha! never saw that coming!

  8. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Fyora Cartagan's Buddy Icon Fyora Cartagan

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    I love that you brought up Dionysus as a reference in there. Highly uncommon, I liked that little bit.

  9. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy's Buddy Icon Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy

    Posted 9 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Hahaha! I adore it. Muppets gone wild-Beeker is a sex god and Miss Piggy is cheating on Kermit…
    What next? :    )
    -Mrs. D.

  10. Don't Call When You're On Painkillers And Booze

    keelhauler42's Buddy Icon keelhauler42

    Posted 9 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    I’d have never guessed Beaker was such a stud, good job, looking forward to reading the rest of this crazy series.

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