After almost 32 years on earth (13 of them spent in Catholic school), I finally knew what hell was.

Obviously I was dead or else I wouldn’t know conclusively, but I wish I had a better story as to how I died. Face it… it’s not how you lived, but how you died that is remembered. I wasn’t saving my platoon in Iraq or caught with a hot farmer’s daughter. Nope. I was T-boned by some little old lady in this tank of a car.

That alone should show the rest of you to never trust a Prius in terms of safety.

So I was dying on the pavement when this buzzing started. I came to the realization that this buzzing was what the dying usually referred to as “having your life flash before your eyes.” Imagine a DVD player on quad-speed… that was it. What really upset me was that I wasn’t even all that exciting!

Unfortunately it wasn’t like the movies where there is this huge, elaborate tribunal to measure your worth as a person. Nope… basically I was tried and sentenced within my last breaths. I was going to hell…