Life Is Not An Action To Give Up On

by Living In Wonder Land ♠

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Her eyes wandered aimlessly landing on the nearest thing in sight. Her face was pale and he eyes were a dusty gray. I always knew something was wrong with her, but never really asked why. The bell let out an obnoxious ring as we all hurried out of the classroom, she though sat there in a daze as her eyes tried to muster up a blink. I stood there for a second until proceeding back out the door. She came out a few minutes after me as I anxiously waited to get into homeroom. She stood by me, her eyes on her shoes. I watched her as I sat outside waiting for all the cars to finish driving up. No one was there but her and I, as we both waited for our rides.
“Are you okay?” I asked somewhat quietly. She turned to look at me.
“Im fine.” she said her gaze drifting to her shoes once more.
“You sure?” I said. A loud engine entered the campus as she walked toward it. She turned around.
“Hey.”she said slowly
“Ya?”I responded.
“Just never give up on life.” she replied, I could see solemn tears of regret run down her face.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

  1. Life Is Not An Action To Give Up On

    White Hat's Buddy Icon White Hat

    Posted 7 months ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    Reminds me of Nagato Yuki…

  2. Life Is Not An Action To Give Up On

    Tad Winslow's Buddy Icon Tad Winslow

    Posted 6 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    The descriptions are good. The flow could be better, particularly combining sentences that should be one. In the process I think you’ll find that the descriptions will work better with your voice and certain unnecessary words will unclutter. There are some great lines here like the mustering of a blink line and the description of her pale face and gray eyes.

  3. Life Is Not An Action To Give Up On

    Tad Winslow's Buddy Icon Tad Winslow

    Posted 6 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    What I mean by sentences that should be one is this: If you took the sentences, “Her eyes wandered aimlessly landing on the nearest thing in sight. Her face was pale and her eyes were a dusty gray.” Notice that in these back to back sentences you use the word eyes twice. But they are the same eyes. why not kill two birds with one stone, for example.

    Her gray, dusty eyes wandered aimlessly landing on the nearest thing in sight.

    I hope I’m being helpful and not coming off as a know it all.

  4. Life Is Not An Action To Give Up On

    Tad Winslow's Buddy Icon Tad Winslow

    Posted 6 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    or dusty gray eyes… I mean, not gray dusty eyes.

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