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I Tried

by Blusparrow

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Kahn: Whether you want to believe it or not, I care about her deeply Mike.
Mike: No, all you want is to get laid. Now do yourself a favor and get the hell out of here before I really punch you.
Kahn: Ya right.
Mike: You want to try me?

I turn my head slowly to see Kahn who looks like he is afraid, but trying not to show it.

Kahn: Demi, tell your boyfriend to calm down.
Me: mmm…

That’s all you can say? Get it together girl!

Me: Mike…you…
Mike: Ya?
Kahn: Tell him Demi.

Mike leaves me side and starts walking to Kahn. Kahn steps back a bit then stands his ground
Mike: She doesn’t have to say anything! You are leaving anyway.
Kahn: Oh really, I surely don’t see myself walking away.
Mike: Oh so you want to fight?
Kahn: Sure as long as I get my payback.

Mike throws the first punch that hits Kahn right in the nose. I manage to sit up. Well, I tried.

Prequels

Faint
by Freedom

Write a prequel

Sequels

Too Late
by Freedom

Write a sequel

Comments

Average Reader Rating:

I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

ok Freedom I couldn’t resist the urge to hae a fight in there. Kahn had it coming to him. Plus, I want him to get the snot knocked out of him. lol
LoA
I Tried
Andrew Plamondon
Posted 2 months ago

KAAAAAHHHNNNN !

No? OK.

Pretty good story, I have just a couple of pointers, the script format tends to be limited in terms of communicating emotion, I’d stick to a more narrative format if I were you. Two other little things, you jump tenses about halfway through, which is jarring and I find your dialog doesn’t flow naturally in places. Something I find that helps with that is reading dialog aloud and tweaking until you hit a rhythm that sounds not only natural but good.
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

Well this format is how Freedom and I roll. If you see our past series there is a pattern. You can still put your emotions in there, Freedom and I have found our ways to put it in there. I triple checked I didn’t see any tense changes so if anyone else can help me out on that, that would be cool. I normally read it out loud too when my family isn’t around, but they are so nope. 3 stars? Comon I know you liked it better than that. No? Well, whatever.
LoA
I Tried
Andrew Plamondon
Posted 2 months ago

You are right, I wasn’t comfortable with three stars, but I’m not quite feeling four either so, tell you what, edit out the tense change which is: Past: “I turned my head to Kahn who looked like he was afraid, but trying not to show it.” Present: “Mike leaves me side and starts walking to Kahn. Kahn steps back a bit then stands his ground.” and we’ll talk.
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

got it, no need to get fussy. I have a defensive nature, I can’t help it but defend my story if I feel like someone totally slamed it. Sorry if I made you angry, wasn’t my intent.
LoA
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

Why did I just give myself fie stars? Wow, idiot. That is what happens when you comment 20 stories in one night…. I’ll make it three, just like the andrew dude did.
LoA
I Tried
Andrew Plamondon
Posted 2 months ago

Ah, no I make it a rule not to get angry with internet people. I wasn’t trying to slam your story, I was just trying to lend a hand and make the Wrath of Khan joke.
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

Hey, hey I see four stars! Thank you! =D
LoA
I Tried
Freedom
Posted 2 months ago

Aww man, I missed all the tense conversations. So not fair. Hah.

Thanks for the advice, Andrew. You know when I first came to this site, that was how I wrote but I’ve changed in some of my other stories and just loved doing it like this with Blu. Thanks though. My English teacher did say that editing was not my thing. Hah.

Great sequel. Now I get to follow it up! I love getting all my anger out with fight scenes. Though I’m in a good mood now so it might not be so…violent. I’ll see what I can do.
I Tried
Freedom
Posted 2 months ago

Aww man, I missed all the tense conversations. So not fair. Hah.

Thanks for the advice, Andrew. You know when I first came to this site, that was how I wrote but I’ve changed in some of my other stories and just loved doing it like this with Blu. Thanks though. My English teacher did say that editing was not my thing. Hah.

Great sequel. Now I get to follow it up! I love getting all my anger out with fight scenes. Though I’m in a good mood now so it might not be so…violent. I’ll see what I can do.
I Tried
Freedom
Posted 2 months ago

Dang it, the stupid POST COMMENT button never works the first time. UGHH
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

Lol, Freedom, I think your angry now. hehe
LoA
I Tried
wytherwings
Posted 2 months ago

this series is awesome!! i just read the whole thing…
great job, can’t wait for a sequel!!
I Tried
Blusparrow
Posted 2 months ago

congrats on reading the whole thing, we have a pretty long series going here.
LoA
I Tried
Nissakit
Posted 2 months ago

This is a really good series, that tense conversation was ..kinda weird but hey!!
I Tried
howhardlifeis♥
Posted 2 months ago

haha love the comments, guys! seriously tense convo it’s cool though, you handled it well.

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Inspired by

As I drifted, my thoughts were in a wide range. The first thought was that I should wake up soon before Mike does something c…

A sequel to Faint

This story's tags

demi and mike, fainting, fight, island, kahn, series

About the author

Blusparrow

the world, in the amazing freedom country we call America

Takes you to the John Adams HBO mini series. You get a chance to Watch it on the 4th of July!! I really suggest you learn about him, he was more influencial then you think.

HI!! =D

HEY EVERYONE!!! THERE IS A FICLET BLOG NOW IN FICLET FORM!! WE ARE PICKING UP WHAT KEV LEFT OFF WITH! SAME FORM WITH EVEN THE ROUND UP THE SAME!!! CHECK OUT THE TAG blog TO FIND IT!

I have a challenge! DADADA!!! Lol, it is the revenge challenge for my 2000 comments milestone! Here’s the link,
http://ficlets.com/stories/36498
Please enter! It would make me a very happy person!

I have another challenge up too! Achieving the Top of the World Challenge for reaching 300 ficlets!
http://ficlets.com/stories/37648

.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’
Eminem and Jeff Dunnnhammm are awesome! (Hehe! OTOC)

“We suffer from hopeless romanticism, we’ll be taking donations and hey! why don’t we set up one of those walks for a cure.”
-Howhardlifeis (lol!)

I got two love bites woo!!

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I have joined LoA! =D
For my name.. Holder of the Blue Crayon of Destiny.

.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’
Currently: SUMMER! I am going to Disney World in a month! =D

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I think it would be cool if I did a romantic movie momment of the week! No one will probably read it, but hey I am a hopless romantic, I love this stuff.

Here it is, it is from Enchanted!!! My friends have no idea why I really really like this move, but I really like it because of the dance scene. Exspecially when he starts singing to her,
Robert: [singing to Giselle along with the bandleader at the ball] Now you’re beside me, and look how far we’ve come, so far. We are so close.
And how can you not like a cute guy like him singing?

.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’
Hey, go ahead and sequel my stuff.=D If you want to start a series note me.

Please construtive critsim! I am a growing writer! Just don’t completly slam my stories, ok?

If you add me into your list, let me know!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Series I am in and Challenges I have set! You may see with freedom again and again, but can I say were a team!

MY REAL FIRST SERIES!!! IT’S WITH Freedom!!
It has ENDED! it was fun Freedom! To Heather and Blake! Check it out, you wont be disappointed.
http://ficlets.com/stories/19460

I am Home Series with Freedom!
Is done! it was fun Freedom! =D. Don’t you just love love trianges….
http://ficlets.com/stories/21483#review-41972

Linna and Dakota Series with myself.
Don’t know where to go with this right now, I may start it back up over the summer.
http://ficlets.com/stories/23011#review-45124

Where’s Stan? Series with myself
or if you want to sequel just go ahead. If you want to do the series with me, note me.
http://ficlets.com/stories/23094

Island Series with Freedom! =D.
I can’t believe it is over… weep… it was a great series!
http://ficlets.com/stories/26021

SO NEW AND SO AWESOME! WITH NONE OTHER THAN FREEDOM! IT’S BEKA AND ZEKE!!!
This is something totally different from what we usually do, so check it out!
http://ficlets.com/stories/34692

Drew and Macy with Overlooked_Merchandise! WOOOOO! Very complicated.
http://ficlets.com/stories/26863

MLA with Howhardlifeis and You Know You Love Mee!!!
The series, let me tell ya, is geting pretty packed. =)
http://ficlets.com/stories/27902

Moving with Band Baby!
These too love birds have to have a long distance relationship. I wonder if they can handle it..
http://ficlets.com/stories/36994

LoA (Holder of the Blue Crayon of Destiny)

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Published on May 10, 2008.

This story has been rated 12 times.

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I Tried

by Blusparrow

Prequels

Faint

Sequels

Too Late

Comments

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

I Tried

Inspired by

This story's tags

About the author

Blusparrow