Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

by KevMullins

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Dreanna was still miffed at He-man Bastard of the Universe but he did have a point there was something about the bodies… besides the fact that they were everywhere.

First, it was every living thing. Every man, woman, child, even the animals. Second, they were all, every last one mummified. Third, and the strangest of all, they all looked like they were sleeping, peacefully.

It was like they had all stopped whatever it was that they were doing, found a nice spot, laid down and went to sleep… forever.

The serene look upon their faces was both hauntingly beautiful and unnervingly disturbing at the same time.

“They’re sleeping!” she exclaimed.

“Exactly” Eric replied “Now what do you think…”

“Something else” she interrupted, pointing to a group of bodies nearby “Did you notice that they are all facing in the same direction?”

“Dammit! How did I miss that?” Eric chided himself “What is with this place?”

“Come on, its this way” he replied as he started off in the direction the bodies were facing.

Prequels

Write a prequel

Sequels

Write a sequel

Comments

Average Reader Rating: 4.0 stars out of 5

  1. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    Another good entry. One thing I’ve noticed with your writing is that your punctuation is off with the quotes. For example:
    “Exactly” Eric replied “Now what do you think…” should be:
    “Exactly,” Eric replied. “Now what do you think…”
    You seem to leave out the punctuation in a lot of your dialog. There should almost always be punctuation between the dialog and the attribute (i.e. he said, she asked, etc.). It’s a good way to skirt the character limit, but selective word choice would be preferable.

  2. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    Also, as long as we’re on dialog, attributes should be used as sparingly as possible. And it’s also preferred to limit your usage to said and asked, unless another attribute works a heck of a lot better.
    Here is link to an excellent article by Elmore Leonard (one of the greatest writers of dialog in my opinion, pay specific attention to #3):
    http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=940CE3DD103BF935A25754C0A9679C8B63

  3. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    KevMullins' Buddy Icon KevMullins

    Posted 4 months ago

    I’m intentionally cheating with the punctuation here because of the 1024 limit… just call me e e cummings :)

    I’ll check out the link. What I’m struggling with here is the fact that I’m extremely “graphic” oriented. I’m battling with my desired to “describe” the scene and the character’s actions as well as the dialog.

    I literally JUST started writing so, hopefully I’ll find my bearings here soon ;)

    As usual, thanks for taking the time to give such a complete and insightful critique.

  4. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    Ok, I can see that with the character limit. It’s made me cut stuff I really liked more than once. Exposition is very difficult to do in this format, so I definitely feel your pain.
    I think overall you’re doing a very good job. The stories that you have crafted are fun, interesting reads. We all deal with the limit a little differently, I simply find adhering to the limit while maintaining proper structure is part of the challenge. You’ll never get better at anything without a challenging opponent. =P

  5. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    I’m killing your comments. Oh well,
    I used to think I was really good at Street Fighter II, then one day I stepped up against some kid like 3 years younger than me and he decimated me. I was crushed. I usually beat everyone I played, could get the faces ending (beat it w/out losing a round), and I really thought I was good. Then I hit a real challenge. I started playing against this kid almost daily, and eventually that made me a much better player. I look at Ficlets in the same way as that kid.

  6. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    Browncoatben's Buddy Icon Browncoatben

    Posted 4 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    Kev,

    I feel you on the character limit. On one of my Pillar / Hammer sci-fi entries you’ve been reading, I went 500 characters over the limit. I ended up breaking it up, expanding both, and making two entries. Might consider that. I’m also very scene-descriptive.

  7. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    KevMullins' Buddy Icon KevMullins

    Posted 4 months ago

    Again, VERY good point Ben. Please keep the suggestions coming!

  8. Möbius Strip: Kiss of the Poison Apple

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 4 months ago

    Kev, feel your pain on the descriptive writing style. I’m a VERY descriptive writer, and my favorite thing is to literally “paint” a scene for my readers. It’s tough on here to get out of that habit. The way I think of a ficlet post is either:
    A) A snapshot of a scene, or
    B) A really fast plot.

    That’s kept me moving!

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