Ficlets

A Walk In The Park

A slight breeze rustled handfuls of brown and gold leaves from their home in the tree towering above me. Three of the dead things lightly flittered onto the newspaper I was holding, while another small grouping of them took residence next to me on the small wooden bench.

Two bluebirds landed at my feet and began to fight over a small piece of bread that must have fallen from the sandwich I had finished only a few minutes earlier. I watched their dance in joyous delight, until the slightly larger of the two birds finally wrestled away the piece and they flew off into the distance together.

Moving my eyes to follow the birds I caught a glimpse of her. Her long brown overcoat slapping playfully at her legs with each successive step. She was too focused on her Blackberry to notice me as I watched her pass.

I got up from the bench and quickly jogged up behind her. I pulled the pistol from my jacket pocket and jammed it forcefully into her back. “Keep walking and don’t make a sound. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Comments

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A Walk In The Park
BMGelinas
Posted 2 months ago

Well, that was certainly an unexpected twist! You did a great job setting up the tranquil park scene and in doing so built up the scene so that I was left expecting an interaction consisting of “boy meets girl” and “boy asks girl out.” Nice job not ending with such a cliche, but taking the reader falsely in that direction. Makes the payoff that much better. I also liked the way the narrator is developed. The reader is led to believe this person is a kind and caring soul. Just goes to show, you never know.
A Walk In The Park
KevMullins
Posted 2 months ago

Yeah, I have to agree that last part was a slap upside the head… didn’t see it coming. Very nice work.
A Walk In The Park
Ana Cristina
Posted about 1 month ago

What an unexpected ending to this! It has a lulling, almost soothing quality to it at the beginning that is turned upside down very, very quickly. Awesome job. It works well as a standalone, but I’ll mosey on over to the sequel to see if it did it justice.
A Walk In The Park
PyroPunk 51 (PPP LoA)
Posted about 1 month ago

That was one way it could have gone. Nice twist!
A Walk In The Park
Stovohobo
Posted about 1 month ago

Ooh, I like that. Great way to set it up, all quiet and normal-like – but nobody likes normal!
A Walk In The Park
Browncoatben
Posted about 1 month ago

Great! Completely unexpected. Loved it.
A Walk In The Park
thebetweenspace
Posted about 1 month ago

I love the tranquil, serene setup giving way so abruptly to violence. Very nicely done.
A Walk In The Park
RainDance
Posted 29 days ago

Whoa, I never saw that coming.
A Walk In The Park
User 9797
Posted 27 days ago

that was scary