Ficlets

The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

by Stovohobo

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Obviously, such a complex sub-species cannot be summarized into a few short – shall we say, ficlets. However, in the spirit of making this guide remain comprehensive…

The first thing you need to know, if you are a gentleman, is the female language. Here are some quick, handy translation sentences (I suggest printing these out and keeping in your pocket for easy access):

“Hello.”
You better not try anything on me, sicko.

“We need to talk.”
We’re breaking up.

“I don’t know…your friends don’t seem to like me.”
Kill them or I will. We cannot be lovers with them in the picture.

“I like you.”
(Oh, come now. A girl is never this straightforward. It’s always through friends in a strange sort of ritual).

“My hand is cold.”
If you don’t hold my hand, we’re over.

“I’m sorry.”
Apologize to me. Now.
…NOW!

“I don’t know about that movie…”
We’re seeing a movie with Matthew McConaughey or you never see your dog again.

“I hate your guts.”
I hate your guts.

Prequels

The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 3: Staff Species
by Stovohobo

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Sequels

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The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
SKermitgorf
Posted about 1 month ago

Good to know, wish I had that list back in h.s. o wait I went to an all boys school..never mind. lol
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Ana Cristina
Posted about 1 month ago

LOL I laughed reading all of them, although this is my unquestionable favorite:
“I’m sorry.”
Apologize to me. Now.
…NOW!
This is turning into quite the series!
LoA
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Mask By The Moon
Posted about 1 month ago

This does NOT work for me… so I’ll speak the “girl language” that you talk about.

I’m sorry.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
One Time, One Chance
Posted about 1 month ago

omg, you should replace, or rather maybe just put next to because matthew mcconaughy is quite hott, with david archuleta, who is absolutely gorgeous.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
One Time, One Chance
Posted about 1 month ago

but he’s not a movie star.
but he’s still gorgeous.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
thebetweenspace
Posted about 1 month ago

Helpful and hilarious translations. We need to talk = we’re breaking up. So freaking true.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
John Perkins
Posted about 1 month ago

We need to talk could also mean “I’m pregnant.”
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Rae Penderweed
Posted about 1 month ago

Not in middleschool, it doesn’t, one hopes.

Aw, man. I love this. Although, I don’t fit the stereotypes that well, being an odd tomboy breed, it fits most of my friends. Hehe.

Keep them coming. You’re like, my favorite ever.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
THX 0477
Posted about 1 month ago

Great stuff. So, how are things going with the ladies there, Stovo?
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
John Perkins
Posted about 1 month ago

@Rae, good call. Forgot about that part. My bad.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Stovohobo
Posted about 1 month ago

Actually, I have heard of there being a pregnant girl in our school. The rumor’s also evolved into a lot of other branch-off rumors, but still, no one seems to deny the base one. It’s pretty sad.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
John Perkins
Posted about 1 month ago

Well, my cousin got pregnant at 14. I think she was in 8th grade at the time. So it does happen, but as Rae says, we’re hoping that it’s not often enough that “we should talk” is something we want to attribute to “I’m pregnant.” Of course, kids shouldn’t be dating at that age either. At least not seriously. I think Nada Surf said it best, “I propose we support a one month limit on going steady. I think It will keep people more able to deal with weird situations and get to know more people.”
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
○○♥Promises Broken & Backs Turned♥○○
Posted about 1 month ago

Ha, my mom likes Matthew McConaughey,. I don’t, I personally prefer Zack Merrick, but he’s not an actor, he’s a bass guitarist….getting off track.These things do happen in middleschool. Some people grind at dances, and I go to a Catholic school. Also, four people were caught making out by the water fountain. I love the last translation
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Alexa ♥
Posted about 1 month ago

Yeah, this handy little translation guide will serve you well into adulthood. Sorry, hun.
.
“I like you.”
(Oh, come now. A girl is never this straightforward. It’s always through friends in a strange sort of ritual).
Don’t you dare pretend that guys are any different. You know you know better than that.
.
Yeah, that wound is fresh.
.
LoA
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Bigkittyproductions
Posted about 1 month ago

Too True
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
invisibility_disability
Posted about 1 month ago

hahah. what promises broken & backs turned is way too true.
i have been to a Catholic school dance and i was scarred for life. (shudders)
ooh, flashback there.
also, yes, this was probably a very helpful guide although usually i just come out and say stuff because i’m a freak. :)
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
OrangeOreos
Posted about 1 month ago

Thanks for the guide!

Thankfully, I’ve been able to figure out most of these thins myself.

Most helpful indeed!
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Fantasy
Posted about 1 month ago

i’m not entirely sure how true this is….but it sure is funny!!!

and, not ALL girls are that mean.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Bartimaeus
Posted about 1 month ago

mmm the meaning of “Hello” can vary depending on tone of voice. Usually if they like ur presence, they’ll say it in a higher pitch or light tone. And yea, “We need to talk” does mean “we’re breaking up”.
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
LovingYourHeartbreak♥
Posted about 1 month ago

“hello” really does depend on the tone of voice.
and “we need to talk” doesn’t always mean “we are breaking up” but it usually involves something that could lead to a break up.
i needed to “talk” to my boyfriend.
My bff ended up screaming at him on the phone for hours.
But we got through it.
And we aren’t broken up.
And i said “we need to talk” hahahha
LOVE THIS !!!!!!!
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Storykeeper of Fae
Posted 11 days ago

In middle school, I hated how people delegated others to say they liked someone. Guys did it too! I, for one, refused to be the delegate, and I told the guy I liked (funny to look back on, now) that I did. Actually, I yelled it at him. Anyway.
I’m enjoying this, for the most part. It’s all generalization, but it’s funny. Go you.
LoA
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Storykeeper of Fae
Posted 11 days ago

In middle school, I hated how people delegated others to say they liked someone. Guys did it too! I, for one, refused to be the delegate, and I told the guy I liked (funny to look back on, now) that I did. Actually, I yelled it at him. Anyway.
I’m enjoying this, for the most part. It’s all generalization, but it’s funny. Go you.
LoA
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Storykeeper of Fae
Posted 11 days ago

That reminds me, in middle school, I heard a lot of “I don’t know” responses from guys. Most of them were aloof people afraid of sharing themselves. I don’t know could’ve meant anything and it aggravated me to no end. So the exchange is fair, I think.
LoA
The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls
Storykeeper of Fae
Posted 11 days ago

And “I hate your guts” doesn’t always mean that. Sometimes it means, “I hate you for making me feel this way, but I adore you.” It’s true.
LoA