The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

by Stovohobo

Obviously, such a complex sub-species cannot be summarized into a few short – shall we say, ficlets. However, in the spirit of making this guide remain comprehensive…

The first thing you need to know, if you are a gentleman, is the female language. Here are some quick, handy translation sentences (I suggest printing these out and keeping in your pocket for easy access):

“Hello.”
You better not try anything on me, sicko.

“We need to talk.”
We’re breaking up.

“I don’t know…your friends don’t seem to like me.”
Kill them or I will. We cannot be lovers with them in the picture.

“I like you.”
(Oh, come now. A girl is never this straightforward. It’s always through friends in a strange sort of ritual).

“My hand is cold.”
If you don’t hold my hand, we’re over.

“I’m sorry.”
Apologize to me. Now.
…NOW!

“I don’t know about that movie…”
We’re seeing a movie with Matthew McConaughey or you never see your dog again.

“I hate your guts.”
I hate your guts.

Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    SKermitgorf's Buddy Icon SKermitgorf

    Posted about 1 month ago

    Good to know, wish I had that list back in h.s. o wait I went to an all boys school..never mind. lol

  2. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Ana Cristina's Buddy Icon Ana Cristina

    Posted about 1 month ago

    LOL I laughed reading all of them, although this is my unquestionable favorite:
    “I’m sorry.”
    Apologize to me. Now.
    …NOW!

    This is turning into quite the series!
    LoA

  3. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Mask By The Moon's Buddy Icon Mask By The Moon

    Posted about 1 month ago

    This does NOT work for me… so I’ll speak the “girl language” that you talk about.

    I’m sorry.

  4. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    One Time, One Chance's Buddy Icon One Time, One Chance

    Posted about 1 month ago

    omg, you should replace, or rather maybe just put next to because matthew mcconaughy is quite hott, with david archuleta, who is absolutely gorgeous.

  5. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    One Time, One Chance's Buddy Icon One Time, One Chance

    Posted about 1 month ago

    but he’s not a movie star.
    but he’s still gorgeous.

  6. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    thebetweenspace's Buddy Icon thebetweenspace

    Posted about 1 month ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Helpful and hilarious translations. We need to talk = we’re breaking up. So freaking true.

  7. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted about 1 month ago

    We need to talk could also mean “I’m pregnant.”

  8. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Rae Penderweed's Buddy Icon Rae Penderweed

    Posted about 1 month ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Not in middleschool, it doesn’t, one hopes.

    Aw, man. I love this. Although, I don’t fit the stereotypes that well, being an odd tomboy breed, it fits most of my friends. Hehe.

    Keep them coming. You’re like, my favorite ever.

  9. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    THX 0477's Buddy Icon THX 0477

    Posted about 1 month ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Great stuff. So, how are things going with the ladies there, Stovo?

  10. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted about 1 month ago

    @Rae, good call. Forgot about that part. My bad.

  11. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Stovohobo's Buddy Icon Stovohobo

    Posted about 1 month ago

    Actually, I have heard of there being a pregnant girl in our school. The rumor’s also evolved into a lot of other branch-off rumors, but still, no one seems to deny the base one. It’s pretty sad.

  12. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted about 1 month ago

    Well, my cousin got pregnant at 14. I think she was in 8th grade at the time. So it does happen, but as Rae says, we’re hoping that it’s not often enough that “we should talk” is something we want to attribute to “I’m pregnant.” Of course, kids shouldn’t be dating at that age either. At least not seriously. I think Nada Surf said it best, “I propose we support a one month limit on going steady. I think It will keep people more able to deal with weird situations and get to know more people.”

  13. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    ○○♥Promises Broken & Backs Turned♥○○'s Buddy Icon ○○♥Promises Broken & Backs Turned♥○○

    Posted about 1 month ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Ha, my mom likes Matthew McConaughey,. I don’t, I personally prefer Zack Merrick, but he’s not an actor, he’s a bass guitarist….getting off track.These things do happen in middleschool. Some people grind at dances, and I go to a Catholic school. Also, four people were caught making out by the water fountain. I love the last translation

  14. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Alexa ♥'s Buddy Icon Alexa ♥

    Posted about 1 month ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Yeah, this handy little translation guide will serve you well into adulthood. Sorry, hun.
    .
    “I like you.”
    (Oh, come now. A girl is never this straightforward. It’s always through friends in a strange sort of ritual).

    Don’t you dare pretend that guys are any different. You know you know better than that.
    .
    Yeah, that wound is fresh.
    .
    LoA

  15. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Bigkittyproductions' Buddy Icon Bigkittyproductions

    Posted about 1 month ago

    Too True

  16. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    invisibility_disability's Buddy Icon invisibility_disability

    Posted about 1 month ago

    hahah. what promises broken & backs turned is way too true.
    i have been to a Catholic school dance and i was scarred for life. (shudders)
    ooh, flashback there.
    also, yes, this was probably a very helpful guide although usually i just come out and say stuff because i’m a freak. :)

  17. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    OrangeOreos' Buddy Icon OrangeOreos

    Posted about 1 month ago

    Thanks for the guide!

    Thankfully, I’ve been able to figure out most of these thins myself.

    Most helpful indeed!

  18. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Fantasy's Buddy Icon Fantasy

    Posted about 1 month ago

    i’m not entirely sure how true this is….but it sure is funny!!!

    and, not ALL girls are that mean.

  19. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Bartimaeus' Buddy Icon Bartimaeus

    Posted about 1 month ago

    mmm the meaning of “Hello” can vary depending on tone of voice. Usually if they like ur presence, they’ll say it in a higher pitch or light tone. And yea, “We need to talk” does mean “we’re breaking up”.

  20. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    LovingYourHeartbreak♥'s Buddy Icon LovingYourHeartbreak♥

    Posted about 1 month ago

    “hello” really does depend on the tone of voice.
    and “we need to talk” doesn’t always mean “we are breaking up” but it usually involves something that could lead to a break up.
    i needed to “talk” to my boyfriend.
    My bff ended up screaming at him on the phone for hours.
    But we got through it.
    And we aren’t broken up.
    And i said “we need to talk” hahahha
    LOVE THIS !!!!!!!

  21. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Storykeeper of Fae's Buddy Icon Storykeeper of Fae

    Posted 11 days ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    In middle school, I hated how people delegated others to say they liked someone. Guys did it too! I, for one, refused to be the delegate, and I told the guy I liked (funny to look back on, now) that I did. Actually, I yelled it at him. Anyway.
    I’m enjoying this, for the most part. It’s all generalization, but it’s funny. Go you.
    LoA

  22. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Storykeeper of Fae's Buddy Icon Storykeeper of Fae

    Posted 11 days ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    In middle school, I hated how people delegated others to say they liked someone. Guys did it too! I, for one, refused to be the delegate, and I told the guy I liked (funny to look back on, now) that I did. Actually, I yelled it at him. Anyway.
    I’m enjoying this, for the most part. It’s all generalization, but it’s funny. Go you.
    LoA

  23. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Storykeeper of Fae's Buddy Icon Storykeeper of Fae

    Posted 11 days ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    That reminds me, in middle school, I heard a lot of “I don’t know” responses from guys. Most of them were aloof people afraid of sharing themselves. I don’t know could’ve meant anything and it aggravated me to no end. So the exchange is fair, I think.
    LoA

  24. The Comprehensive (Compressed) Guide to Middle School Life, No. 4: Girls

    Storykeeper of Fae's Buddy Icon Storykeeper of Fae

    Posted 11 days ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    And “I hate your guts” doesn’t always mean that. Sometimes it means, “I hate you for making me feel this way, but I adore you.” It’s true.
    LoA

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