Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

by KevMullins

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Dreanna stood, surrounded by the ghosts of the past. We are in his memories, she thought. She reached to touch a nearby woman. The image rippled in the wake of her hand passing.

She could see Ker fighting his way into the plaza across the street. Then something else caught her attention, the obelisk was glowing.

He finally managed to claw his way into the central circle only to be nearly blinded by the blue-white light. He threw his hand in front of his face squinting to see through his half parted fingers. Was there something else in the light beside the Avatar? Impossible!

Oh God, what’s happening? People around him started to fall to the ground, forming patterns as they dropped. God no, They’re dying!

He tried to run but he couldn’t fight the flood of people. Then the voice “Join us Ker”. His nanotech was active! They sang in his mind across the link. He was falling, dying, there was nothing he could do.

She struggled to see in the light, was the Avatar looking at her?

“Our Dreanna!” it sang.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Ok, this clears up some of the confusion I had from Part 1. It was Ker’s nanotech, and I guess he was sent as a repair man to the obelisk. That makes sense.
    I think in that fourth paragraph, you should italicize Ker’s thoughts. As it stands now, it looks like you’re switching between third person past tense and first person present tense.

  2. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    Browncoatben's Buddy Icon Browncoatben

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    I agree on the italics suggestion. I find that italicizing comm traffic or internal monologue is a useful device for separating who’s saying what. Another real good post…Dreanna is beginning to get a little interesting here. I’m reminded of The Matrix, when Neo first begins to realize he’s The One.

  3. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    KevMullins' Buddy Icon KevMullins

    Posted 4 months ago

    Excellent suggestion on the italics bit. That paragraph troubled me too but I could find a way to correct it.
    Not why didn’t I think of italics??

  4. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    @Kev, I think you only want to italicize the first and last sentence of that paragraph. Those two sentences are internal monologue, while the middle sentence is exposition.

  5. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 4 months ago

    Last line here gave me chills. Well done, sir.

  6. Möbius Strip: Past Imperfect - Part 2

    thebetweenspace's Buddy Icon thebetweenspace

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Oh boy. Very interesting. The last line does deliver chills. Can’t wait to see what kind of role she plays in all of this.

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