Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

by JMSquire

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Albrecht hated working motel scenes, something about dying in a motel unnerved him deep down inside. The forgotten remnants of past visitors mingled with the fresh blood of the dead couple who had most recently shared the room.

“What’s the word Cole?” The Detective called from the door way to one of the forensic unit, who was bagging a devilish looking knife that was caked in blood.

-

’Filthy things’ it thought. The air tasted good to its tendrils as it stretched out, absorbing some of the nearby light from a neon sign that illuminated the exterior of a strip club across from where the man, his temples showing gray, was letting the much younger lady into his vehicle. It felt how physically uncomfortable she was in her tight dress and black boots.

-

“Bill piled this extra wor-“ Dale grimaced and shifted his ear away from the cell phone, causing it to slide off his shoulder. He swore as he instinctively went to catch it with his right hand, spilling the baggy he had just got open all over his suit.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

    THX 0477's Buddy Icon THX 0477

    Posted 6 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    This is not going to end…um, or begin well.

  2. Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 6 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    “[O]ne of the forensic unit,” sounds off to me. Is this a language barrier thing, or a typo?
    I think I might actually be following what’s going on. Huh. That’s odd since I can barely follow large, yellow roads paved in brick.

  3. Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

    JMSquire's Buddy Icon JMSquire

    Posted 6 months ago

    Yeah, the line felt really off to me as well, I couldn’t think of what to add to make it better… in retrospect maybe ”...to one of the forensic unit working inside.”

  4. Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

    Ana Cristina's Buddy Icon Ana Cristina

    Posted 6 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    LOL at THX ’s comment. This keeps getting better!
    You have one minor error in your third paragraph, first line. The word “its,” when used as a possessive pronoun, does not require the apostrophe. You only need it when making the contraction for “it is.”
    OK, grammar lesson over. Back to your regularly scheduled program. ;-)
    LoA

  5. Simple Case 2 [Out of Order Challenge]

    JMSquire's Buddy Icon JMSquire

    Posted 6 months ago

    I love grammar lessons, fixed the misplaced contraction. Thanks for the tip!

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