Möbius Strip: Lost and Found - Part 1

by KevMullins

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Eric was pissed, really pissed. Had he been so focused on the past that he didn’t see the present?

Or even more troubling. Was this new entity, new adversary, so powerful as to snatch the girl, literally right from under his nose, without his knowing?

For the first time since the Becoming the demigod was experiencing fear… and he did not like it.

What had started out as a mildly amusing adventure, was now not only a serious pain in the ass, but a potential threat to The Combine as a whole.

Playtime was, officially, over.

In a flash, he returned to his non-corporeal form. A transformation which took Ker more than a bit by surprise, sending him tumbling backwards, mouth agape.

Eric reached out, searching, deeper and deeper still. As far as he could reach into the mist that surrounded this world… nothing. She was simply nowhere to be found.

Without warning, a ghostly form appeared on the pedestal where the Avatar had been… Dreanna.

“It was her, when I died, there!” Ker screamed.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. Möbius Strip: Lost and Found - Part 1

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    I love that Eric’s pompous ass is scared. Hopefully he gets a thrashing from his superiors at the combine.
    I’m confused by the final dialog. I think Ker is saying that Dreanna is what he saw in the light, beside the Avatar, but it comes off clumsy. If I read it aloud, it doesn’t make sense “It was her (pause) when I died (pause) there.”
    Maybe change it to “It was her. I saw her next to the Avatar when I died.” Or something like that.

  2. Möbius Strip: Lost and Found - Part 1

    KevMullins' Buddy Icon KevMullins

    Posted 4 months ago

    @John, “I read it aloud, it doesn’t make sense ‘It was her (pause) when I died (pause) there.’” That was exactly the effect I was going for.
    I wanted it to read clumsy, panicked, train of thought. Words tumbling from his mouth as they entered his head.
    He is freaked out and can’t quite wrap his head around what he is seeing.
    Let me think about this one. :)
    As always, keep the comments coming.

  3. Möbius Strip: Lost and Found - Part 1

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Ok. That makes sense then. Wasn’t thinking about it in that way. Now that you point it out though, I see it. Maybe add a line about him being unable to form a complete thought so it’s more apparent?

  4. Möbius Strip: Lost and Found - Part 1

    thebetweenspace's Buddy Icon thebetweenspace

    Posted 4 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    With your explanation, I really like the clumsiness of the last line. It shows the thought process of the terrified character. And I guess I have the answer to the question I asked after reading the last segment of the story.

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