We Meet Again

by Whinney

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- Carlene -
I smelled her at once, our hunting party hadn’t returned so I knew who it was without a thought. The smell of blood was there too. My head shot up instinctively, but I made my eyes stay darkened with boredom. “What is it?” My mother asked pretending to care, before I answered she turned back to the food she was preparing.”Nothing, I’m going for a walk.” I said through my teeth, anger filled me at my mother’s lack of care.

I took off after I was out of sight of the others, sprinting in a hurry to where she stood, a mile into the forest, blood mostly obscured her scent. Her head shot up as my scent hit her nostrils, flaring widely. “What are you doing back here?” I asked stepping out from the cover of the trees, my hair had fallen out while I was running and fell in glorious blonde waves to my waist.

She growled crouching low, ready for a fight. “Shhhhh…” I whispered, “I’m not here to fight you. But you really shouldn’t be here, can’t you smell us?” She titled her head as she stared at me.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 4.0 stars out of 5

  1. We Meet Again

    Robotech_Master's Buddy Icon Robotech_Master

    Posted 5 months ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    The story part is good, but you need to work on your sentence separation and use of commas. For instance, in the last sentence of each of the first two paragraphs, you should replace the comma with a period and capitalize the next word. There are also some places where commas are not there that should be. One trick I use is to read the sentence aloud in my head, and put a comma where the pauses go.

  2. We Meet Again

    Robotech_Master's Buddy Icon Robotech_Master

    Posted 5 months ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    Also, I think the description of her hair could use a little work. While I appreciate the description, most people don’t describe their own hair as “glorious blonde waves” (unless they’re incredibly conceited). It’s the sort of description someone might use for someone else, but not for oneself.

    These comments are offered in the spirit of constructive criticism, and are not meant in any negative sense whatsoever.

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