Dying boy...

by RCYHAONI

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He starts to laugh as he laid there in bed in the hospital. He heard news that he is going to die soon. The boy seems as if he didn’t care.

As the doctor left, the boy settled down and looked up out the window. He watches the clouds go by and starts to remember everyone: his friends, his family, and his girlfriend. All he could do now, is think about the good times he had with everyone. He smiles as he remembers everything and has tears rolling down from his face.

I guess this is the end..., he thought to himself. I hope you guys don’t forget me.

He heard the door open and saw his friends and family there. All he could do was smile as he started to feel numb. He couldn’t even move a finger as they all smiled back and walked toward him. Everyone starts to talk to him as if they didn’t know, but the boy couldn’t hear anything. His eyes slowly starts closing as everyone starts to quiet down. The boy smiles before closing his eyes and everyone started to cry as he died in front of them.

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

  1. Dying boy...

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 2 months ago

    4.0 out of 5 stars

    You do a lot of switching between present and past tense in this story. It’s an interesting theme and I think you have the makings for a really good ficlet here if you only cleaned it up a little.

  2. Dying boy...

    Krulltar's Buddy Icon Krulltar

    Posted 2 months ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    I didn’t have any emotional “buy in”. I guess because he didn’t seem to care, I didn’t. And I think by using he, rather than naming the character, didn’t help much either.

  3. Dying boy...

    Just another writer's Buddy Icon Just another writer

    Posted 2 months ago

    wow..i like the idea of where you’re going with this. it’s really interesting haha and i mean that in a good way. not like people who say “it’s umm..interesting..?” when really they hate it and are just trying to be nice. no. i really like it =)

  4. Dying boy...

    SKermitgorf's Buddy Icon SKermitgorf

    Posted 2 months ago

    That is very sad story.. tugs at the heart strings.. I think he cares more than he says, just by his thoughts of family and friends and not wanting to be forgotten.
    the remoteness of not naming him actually works.. hes anonymous could be anyone makes it universaly anyone. if that makes any sense?

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