Ficlets

White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]

Sophie woke up with the delicious feeling of one who has slept a deep, dreamless sleep. She stretched her limbs as far as they could go, luxuriating in the sensation. Then she noticed that she was lying on top of her neatly made bed, not huddled under the sheets as usual. To further confound her, she was wearing her best linen dress and her white patent shoes, the outfit Mama normally made her wear on special occasions.

There was a twisty feeling in her stomach like a knot she couldn’t undo. She quickly got out of bed and walked down the corridor to the kitchen, the slap – slap of her patent shoes sounding like thunder to her ears.

Sophie found her mother in the kitchen. She was seated at the table with a steaming mug of coffee and an album open in front of her. As she drew closer Sophie noticed her mother was crying.

“Mama?”

“Oh, Sophie.”

“Mama, tell me what’s wrong.” Sophie reached out to lay a comforting hand on her mother’s shoulder, almost losing her balance when her hand went right through her.

Comments

Average Reader Rating:

White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
John Perkins
Posted 3 months ago

Awesome. Brilliantly told, as are all your fics are. I didn’t see the twist coming from a mile away. I caught on at the photo album part, but I’m always looking for the twist. It’s a fun little game for me to figure them out. But you kept me guessing until very close to the end.
Fantastic entry. And thank you very much for entering my challenge.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
JMSquire
Posted 3 months ago

I think that the nature of the challenge makes it so that everyone reading knows a twist will eventually be coming, and so we’re looking for it. The biggest twist would be to make an entry with no twist at all. I liked this entry, got an inkling as to where it was going with the album as well.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
thebetweenspace
Posted 3 months ago

I didn’t know what the challenge was, so I wasn’t expecting a twist and definitely didn’t see it coming. This was brilliantly done. I love the whole M. Night Shyamalan (or however you spell his name) type twist ending.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
THX 0477
Posted 3 months ago

I was thinking someone else was dead, and she was in denial. Nicely told with a very magical sort of feel to it.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
PyroPunk 51 (PPP LoA)
Posted 3 months ago

Interesting that the shoes would make a noise! Good twist!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Mistress Elsha Hawk
Posted 3 months ago

awesome! I guessed it, but I was looking for the twist too. :) I like that her spirit is in her burial clothes, a foreshadowing of the twist to come.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Apostrophe
Posted 3 months ago

no way her moms a ghost, I didn’t expect that!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
John Perkins
Posted 3 months ago

@Sarah, Your comment made me actually laugh out loud. Awesome!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
.:band baby:.
Posted 3 months ago

Okay, I didn’t see that coming at all! Very nice! But now.. after reading the comments I’m a little confused. Is it Sophie that died or her mother? It could almost be either.. uhm a little help pwease??
LoA
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Ana Cristina
Posted 3 months ago

I meant for it to be Sophie who died. Which would explain why her mother is looking at an album (presumably of pictures of Sophie) and crying. Also, Sophie is in her best clothes, as if her mother dressed her that way for her own funeral.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Ana Cristina
Posted 3 months ago

Yikes, I didn’t mean to give myself stars! :[
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Music-Hearted
Posted 3 months ago

Wow, great job! It gave me the chills at the end. I love how you were able to make the twist just sneak up on us, but it was natural all at once.
LoA
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Jamie Rose
Posted 3 months ago

I thought it was really good! There were a ton of little clues inside the story, but you didn’t know what the the clues meant until the end. Very good!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
ALRO613 ♪ LoA ♫
Posted 3 months ago

I thought this was awesome!
I always love a good ghost story!

There was a twisty feeling in her stomach like a knot she couldn’t undo —I love that line!!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Mighty-Joe Young
Posted 3 months ago

@ Anna you can’t tell us the mind of the author that is like T.S elliot’s wife publishing his key to The Wasteland. In the words of Hunter s Thompson Make the bastards chase you.lol i liked it.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Browncoatben
Posted 3 months ago

Would Bruce Willis make a good Sophie??? HEHEHE

Nice piece, Ana. Like the others, the album tipped it for me. However, had it not been in a twist challenge, I wouldn’t have seen it coming.
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Oy
Posted 3 months ago

Wait… If Sophia died, how come her shoes made noise?!
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Mighty-Joe Young
Posted 3 months ago

@oy that’s what i said
White Patent Shoes [Unexpected Twist Challenge]
Ana Cristina
Posted 3 months ago

I’m going to take some of Trifalmadorian’s own advice and not answer your question, Oy, even if it costs me a star. ;-)