Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

by JLaughter

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 5.0 stars out of 5

  1. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 3 months ago

    Again, another difficult submission. Hope it came out good, gimme some critique, guys. I don’t know why I’m so OCD about Ficlet Nirvana, but this one took forever to fit right. I’ve read it so many times now, I’m not sure if the moves are clear, or if the fight’s fast-paced and seamless like it is in my head.

  2. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 3 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Overall I like it. I see your issue though, for some reason it reads slower than the action. Not exactly sure why.
    The action is definitely clear. I can see the moves, but it’s not quite as frenetic as some of your others have been. You’d need a much better writer than I to tell you why exactly.
    I also think “and his suit was ruined,” feels forced. Probably a victim of nirvana, or even fitting it in the allotted space?
    A very fun read, with some great descriptions. Love the “claws raked the air” part.

  3. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    KevMullins' Buddy Icon KevMullins

    Posted 3 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    A great piece but as John said… it doesn’t read as “fast paced” as your other fight scenes.

  4. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 3 months ago

    Yeah, like I said…this was hard. I might have to do a rewrite on it. Just wipe it clean and start over from scratch. After I wrote WAY too much, I was frantic to keep some bits, and eager to get rid of others. I’ll probably take another look at this entry tonight.

  5. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 3 months ago

    Okay, here’s a total rewrite on this ficlet. I published the original as a sequel to this rewrite, so it’s still there. They both accomplish the same things, just this one focuses a whole lot more on the action.

  6. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    John Perkins' Buddy Icon John Perkins

    Posted 3 months ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    I do like this one better, though I didn’t really dislike the other. Quite a bit more action in this though.

  7. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    Browncoatben's Buddy Icon Browncoatben

    Posted 3 months ago

    I like this. However, I think the reason it feels a little slow is because it’s more descriptive. In earlier action posts, there were one-word shots of action. Here, you’re explaining more. What was “duck” is now “I ducked fast.”

    Make sense?

  8. Bagman: Fisticuffs! (rewrite)

    JLaughter's Buddy Icon JLaughter

    Posted 3 months ago

    Yeah, I see what you’re getting at, Brownie. Somewhere I’ve gotten a little bit more descriptive. Not much, but just enough to slow down the pace.

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