Brush With Death (Prequel to Slain)

by User 3070

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I stalked into the trashy, garbage dump of a strip club that my friends and I were planning to spend the evening. Reaching into my pocket and tearing out two hundred singles, I dispersed them to each of my four friends, keeping forty for myself. Hopefully this would keep our cover secret, a group of young men enjoying themselves, perhaps at a bachelor party.

We all plopped down at the nearest empty table to the stage and put our heads together in a low whisper.

“Do not use the money so quickly.” I warned, “You will look too eager. Stay calm, and look casual.”

I quickly jumped up and headed towards the bathroom, hurriedly, before the plan was to take effect. I walked up the the farthest urinal, but suddenly felt a cold barrel to my head.

“Hello there. Did not expect this, did you?” The man clutching the gun chuckled evilly.

“And what is you name, sir?” I hissed through pursed lips, glaring at his reflection in the mirror.

“Frank Slain.” He jeered, “You new worst enemy.”

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Comments

Average Reader Rating: 3.0 stars out of 5

  1. Brush With Death (Prequel to Slain)

    Howie Amourscow's Buddy Icon Howie Amourscow

    Posted about 1 year ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    It’s a promising effort, but you might consider going back through and reworking some of the grammar and spelling. (E.g. I’m not clear what’s happening in the first sentence; “what is your name in the sixth paragraph. There may be others.)
    It’s decent, it just needs to be polished.
    Hope that helps! (If not, I suck!)

  2. Brush With Death (Prequel to Slain)

    Howie Amourscow's Buddy Icon Howie Amourscow

    Posted about 1 year ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    It’s a shame you can’t edit comments: I left out a closing quotation mark in the first paragraph. Always a little embarrassing to have typos in a correction note.
    :(

  3. Brush With Death (Prequel to Slain)

    Sophia D'Soleil's Buddy Icon Sophia D'Soleil

    Posted about 1 year ago

    5.0 out of 5 stars

    Evily….hmm…. try maniacally, it means the same but it more fun to say . it’s my word for the day anyway, thought i would share it with you. Expanded vocabularies make a big difference to the level of intrigue there is in a story. Otherwise, i like this a lot =].

  4. Brush With Death (Prequel to Slain)

    Alexa ♥'s Buddy Icon Alexa ♥

    Posted about 1 year ago

    3.0 out of 5 stars

    It got my attention, but I think the beginning could be better.

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