Ficlets

An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28

“Relax, Super Sales Man, I can’t afford the rent,” she laughed. “Strange day,” she sighed. “I’ve never been broken up by realtor before.”

“It’s a new one for me too,” he smiled. “My offer to drive you home still stands.”

“I’ll just walk. It’s not far, and I need – time alone.”

“Could I walk you to the front door?”

“Promise not to sell me anything?” He nodded. “OK.” As they neared the door, she added, “Could I have your card too?”

“Sure,” he quickly found one. “Thinking about moving?”

“No,” her expression seemed to indicate he should understand something.

“Oh -.” He stumbled. “Would you like my private cell too?”

Kate nodded. “I’ll call you – sometime.”

“Any time,” he scribbled the number on the card and handed it to her. “Can I ask you a personal question?” He said suddenly.

She laughed. “If you can’t after today -.”

“Did you really mean what you said about Jean-Claude Van Damme?” She laughed even harder. “He’s grown as an actor. Did you see In Hell? He was very good in it.”

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An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
BARomero
Posted about 1 year ago

I really liked the way this started. You had really strong characterizations among the three of them, and the rapid interplay was terrific! I just feel a little let down with the soapiness of the ending, from the point where Kate confronts Adam. Can we rework some of that to make it more subtextual?
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
Alexa ♥
Posted about 1 year ago

Thanks for comments. One reason to post it was for help.

I liked the beginning better too. But, in the end, I feel I a need to explain Kate’s attraction to Adam and yet why she was not terribly distraught when he left.

If Joe doesn’t make a move on her by the end of the story, doesn’t he seem wimpy?

The ending has always been trouble for me; the director and the actors from the original could testify to that. Could you make a more specific suggestion?
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
Laine the Grey
Posted about 1 year ago

I liked the beginning, but grew disinterested in the end. I would rather have had the couple work things out more efficiently.
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
BARomero
Posted about 1 year ago

I think that the problem is there is a bit of a point of view change right at about that point. It starts out as Joey’s story, as he desires Kate, but then it turns into her story and her desire to be independent of Adam. I think it should remain Joey’s story thoughout, and he should be more active in the resolution.
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
BetwINeen
Posted about 1 year ago

i agree that it started great and it got a little dramatic in the end…but i’m glad she broke up with adam, he was a jerk
can’t wait for the sequel!
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
Alexa ♥
Posted about 1 year ago

Thank you all very much. This will be the next piece I re-revise.
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
Sophia D'Soleil
Posted about 1 year ago

Hmph, i don’t agree with any of those people. Baromero and Laine are more experience than i, but i don’t think that means their opinion is any more valid than mine. I know a good story when i read one. Granted, Kate’s reasoning for the mutual breakup was surprising but you had your reasons for it. I would have enjoyed a dramatic breakup where Adam leaves and Kate flees in a mess of conflicted feelings after Joe tries to comfort her, and i wouldn’t have minded a longer series, but it all ended well anyways.
An Apartment Between Them 25 - final chapter - revised 7/28
Hannah Faith
Posted about 1 year ago

I can’t wait for more! (Hope that you are planning to write more) I agree that the story should stay in Joe’s perspective, but nothing else. Show the whole thing still through Joe’s perception. I love it!! You are an awesome writer!!