The Mary Sue gave an indignant squeak – which still, of course, managed to sound both dignified and breath-taking at the same time – and grabbed me before I could make the leap and escape to sweet freedom.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re supposed to worship me for my perfectness.” I stared at her, aghast.

She launched once again into her life’s story. I zoned out, nodding at random intervals, smiling and gasping and generally feeling like an idiot. All I caught were the words “abandoned,” “orphan,” and “self-discovered genius.” Retch.

Suddenly and quite randomly, a fantastically drool-worthy man walked by. I would have been sickened by his air of arrogance if I hadn’t been too busy ogling.

Just as suddenly, a crowd of Fan-Girls appeared and immediately smothered him with a flurry of bodies and ecstatic exclamations.

“It’s him!”

“It’s him!” Ok, we get it already…

“Isn’t he perfect?”

“I can’t believe it’s really [insert name here]!!”

I shut my gaping mouth. What? That’s his name?