James clamped down with his teeth and shook his head violently, tearing at the man’s ear like a hound killing a rabbit. Blood began to spray into his eyes as the man began to scream. No-one had ever done this before. He would have noted it down as an interesting development, had his head not been filled with excruciating pain.

“GYARGH! DAMN it, James, stop tha-AARGH! OK, I’m dropping the remote!” The remote clattered to the floor and he kicked it aside, self-preservation temporarily taking precedence over his desire for empirical knowledge.

James released his hold and pushed his former captor away from him. He watched as the man began to sag in on himself, pawing at his ruined ear; James hadn’t forgotten the knife, though, and his foot came soaring upwards with clinical precision, straight into the man’s crotch. The man collapsed to his knees; this was James’s cue to bring the other foot into sharp contact with his head.

The difference between an evil genius and an evil idiot? Planning.