Stupid, selfish...

She’s gone. I know she’s in pain…was in pain. Some day I’ll stop using the present tense, probably the same day I stop crying everytime I hear her favorite song or smell her favorite perfume.

“Stupid, selfish bitch,” I yell for the hundredth time, “Your pain is over, but you left us with a hell of a lot it to deal with!”

And then I curse myself for cursing her. Then I curse myself for cursing myself. I’m supposed to accept my feelings for what they are. And breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I’d stop breathing if I could, but I can’t. She left me with that much. I know, however much I think I’m a downer or a burden, I know how it feels to be left behind, left with the doubts and the fears and the anger and the self-recrimination.

What could I have done differently? I can still hear her defiant little voice, “Nothing! No one can help me!” Maybe she was right, but I can’t help but kick myself for not trying harder, more often, something.

Stupid, selfish little bitch. Miss you.

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