Well, not sure why someone slammed you with a 1 start rating there. It’s not high art, but it’s a decent attempt at making an ongoing story out of my random ficlet. You’ve got some punctuation stuff in the first bit, as well as a few small capitalization mistakes. The first sentence in paragraph three has no verb, but it’s a good attempt at getting some characterization going. Might be a bit of an overdone formula just cause of the TV shows, not that that should stop you.

It is a nice attempt; out of all the sequels, you’re the only one who dared to have Malcolm be dead – murdered even.
~
There is some awkwardness, and of course, the punctuation/capitalizations that THX mentioned, but on the whole, a good beginning.