I own a bridalwear shop. Women come to me to help them look beautiful on the most important day of their lives. I give them a glass of wine, entertain their friends while they struggle to get in and out of my fabulous creations.

My favourite dresses are the ones that make an ordinary woman look like those lacy toilet roll covers that you find in old ladies’ houses. A good day is when I can outfit an entire troupe of bridesmaids in peach or lilac, or any other colour that will cause them all to appear sickly.

I hate weddings.