Dear Hollywood Heroin,
People keep dying around me, but it’s weird. If I touch them, I can bring them back to life. The only problem is, if they’re alive for more than a minute, an equal life is taken. What should I do?
—Reviver Pie

Dear Pie,
Go get some psychiatric help, dude. You have some serious problems, and an advice columnist is not the place to go.

Dear Hollywood Heroin,
I was kidnapped by a serial killer and forced into taking your namesake drug by the serial killer. This brought back memories of my traumatic childhood. I know that a lot of serial killers have childhood problems just like me.
—Criminally Sane

Dear Criminally Sane,
Yeah, you’ve got problems, and serial killers have problems, but everyone else has problems too! You should be an actor, having a traumatic childhood is an automatic “in” for an Oscar. Especially if you get on Oprah and tell your story.