It takes three things to kill a vampire.

Yes, I know.

Of course you do.

Then why are we talking about it?

Because you have nothing else to do for a very long time. The odds of someone just happening to visit the tower, descending into the crypt, opening the coffin, then pulling the stake from your chest are very slim.

I’d rather think about how much time has passed.

It could be seconds, minutes, years, centuries.

I don’t think it would be seconds. That would be pretty daft of them.

Yes, but these are the same people who didn’t decapitate you and place a holy communion wafer in your mouth. Now, as I was saying, there are three ways—

You just said that.

What?

Stake, decapitation, wafer-in-mouth. You covered it.

I did?

Yes.

Hm. Well. What do we talk about now?

Favorite book?

We did that one.

A long time ago.

You don’t know that. It might have been seconds.

You just said that would be daft of them.

Oh. Right. Bleak House.

What?

My favorite book. Bleak House. Dickens.

No it’s not…