From the top of the Clark Heimser bank building, at the northeast corner, if you stand on your tiptoes, you can just barely see them. Right there, between the trees on the hillside adjacent to our small town, are two rocks that look remarkably like female breasts. I’m not sure if you’ve seen them, but some wisenheimer has now drawn the hourglass outline to remove all doubt that this is a display of unmitigated filth.

Now you know I’m a father of three and my wife Sandra has worked as the town librarian for the past seven years. We’ve always been a church-going family, and our work to keep our neighborhood safe has often been heralded in our town paper (the skateboard ban alone is probably the only thing that keeps some of your kids alive). There should be no question with any of you that we are law-abiding citizens with a long standing as respectable members of this community.

I want to know what will be done to remedy this situation. I now will turn over the microphone to Mayor Lindsay Ellis. Lindsay?