I like the way that you introduce the character, but I think the pacing could use improvement.

It tries to be very fast-paced and train-of-thought in a noir-esque manner, but syntactical incongruities get in your way.

This sentence in particular strikes me as odd: They only missed because I turned around suddenly to vomit.

Wow, after that technical critique from Terminus, I can only add…um, I liked it. The pacing did wind up a little choppy, but it’s a solid story beginning.

LoA

Is there supposed to be some sort of difference between the italicized and normal text? If there is, I didn’t get it. I mean, it all seems to be in 1st person.

The italic text is present tense. I figured it would be better to differentiate narrative contexts than to make it seem like I had confused my verb tenses. [shrug]