Every night I pray. I bow my head and close my eyes and pray to God, if he exists, if he cares. I don’t know why I still do this ritual. I’ve given up on my faith. I gave up a long time ago.

I wish someone would explain it to me. I wish someone would tell me why God would put so much pain in my life if he supposedly loves me so much. I just want some answers.

But more importantly I want to know why. I want to know who. I want to know how. How do I have a relationship without getting sidetracked? I’m a lost sheep, and these wolves are so convincing. How do I keep from getting distracted? How do I stay faithful?

Why isn’t their someone their to teach me? I just want to understand. What I hate more than being like is is know that this is a way to grow and get out of this whole. How do I not fault myself? Who is out there to help me?

Every night I pray. I bow my head and close my eyes. Every night I pray for my faith back. Every night I pray for someone to come into my life to help me. Every night I pray.