I’m getting better. Sorta. Gym again.
Him: Bitch.
Me:
That’s just it. It’s like when he is near, I shut down and lose control. I forced myself to shut down while it was happening and now I can’t stop. It also may be that I am still afraid him. Yes, I said it: I’m afraid of a 4 foot boy. But I just can’t change my thoughts and feelings about him. Not that I want to think about him and not that I want to stop hating him. I just want to make him feel horrible for what he did to me and then I want to forget about it. I want to forget about it all. But that’s not possible because I can’t do that when I see his face or his friends. To them, I’m the girl who let some guy touch her. Yes, it’s a wonderful way to look at me. Not. The people don’t like letting me forget about it. And my dreams, well nightmares agree. They won’t let me stop replaying that month over in my head. It won’t go away and it won’t leave me alone. Because even if my nightmares are nightmares, once I wake up I still know that they are real.