65% of the internet wants to make me become a stupid, hedonistic, hyperactive, conforming, jingoistic, easily amused, bigoted mook.

10% of the internet wants to educate me, but loses its way in a maze of pretentious academic codswallop and self-congratulating neo-philosophical name-droppery.

5% of the internet thinks I care about what either Paris Hilton wore or what Jessica Middle Schooler had for lunch yesterday.

99% of the internet is trying to take my money by any means possible, and that’s only because the other 1% hasn’t considered the idea yet.

30% of the internet would have me believe grammar is running away down the path of irrelevance, with spelling following closely behind.

90% of the internet demands that I speak only in sarcastic pessimism and crude humor.

55% of the internet is under the scrutiny of the world’s most powerful government intelligence agencies, tracking my every move, evaluating my predictability.

The internet is a rotting corpse. When it took its own life, nobody noticed.