1.) Whenever something good happens, some part of me wants to sabotage it and crush it all into pieces. I don’t know why.

2.) Maybe I fear commitment. When I get into something- get close to someone, get used to something- I want to push it all away. I don’t always, though.

3.) I think I’ve been screaming and screaming inside for quite a while. Nobody hears me. Or if they do, they aren’t strong enough to pull me out.

4.) I carefully store everything that has been said that hurts me. And then late at night, I’ll sometimes take them out and replay them over and over in my head and dissect them and beat myself up over it. I can’t imagine why.

5.) I’m so self-conscious. It seems like everything can hurt my feelings. I’m so, so alone. In rooms full of people, I feel like I’m just a shadow.

I can’t remember when it became routine to wish for death. Maybe it’s been there all along.