I’d really like to hear some feedback on this poem before I submit it to a literary magazine. I know it needs editing, but I’d like some suggestions on it. Please tell me if you think this is good or not. Thank you!

By the way, the underscores near the beginning should be longer…like large blanks.

i love it the way it is. But I can’t tell people what they have to add to their writing or what they need to correct in it, besides grammar. In my eyes, it’s their art and their expression of feeling, you can’t correct someone’s style of art.

I have to love the metaphors, but to me it sounds a little like an info-mercial. Is that what you were aiming for?
LoA

It sort of reads as a brochure for a trip, inticing the reader to visit. But the use of the word “we” in “we wander and roam and drift” suggests a narrative. Then it ends with the haunting line “you will never leave” which detracts from the clever brochure ploy. I’m not sure if it is supposed to be persuasive or philosophical. It is a fascinating piece, thought provoking, but I’m confused whom your audience might be. I get the tongue-in-cheek aspect, but find it eerie.

Yes,I was trying to get at that. I think that the infomercial vibe sort of adds a certain irony or sarcastic tone to the poem. I’m not sure why I had it that way, but it just came out like that when I sat down to write it!

hmm…any suggestions on how to end the piece to make it less eerie?