As I sat across the desk from my computer in my stiff chair I realized that I had nothing more to say to him. My fingers were set on the keyboard in a stance to begin typing but I could think of nothing to tell him. The news was devastating.

“I’m sorry. I have to go now,” was all I could muster to type into the aim box as that friendly male voice that had once told me I had mail told me “Goodbye.”

“How could I be such an idiot?” I asked myself as I burst into tears. I couldn’t even manage to say anything more than goodbye to the man who had just confessed his love for me.

“I’m not ready to love again,” I told myself but nothing could resolve the remorse I felt in the pit of my stomach for dismissing him with such few words.

I slowly walked across the room and dug under my bed for the diary I had kept since Doug died. I read all the emotions I had expressed the day I found out about his death and let the feeling of his presence encompass me.

“If you can hear me, Doug, please help me…Please.”