This is what I told you on the phone:

Open that bottle of vodka on your counter and find an old rag (you don’t want to damage any family heirlooms here). Pour all that vodka on the rag, it’s important to get it really soaked in there. While that’s going on you need to get something wooden or plastic that will fit in your mouth, (a mouth-guard like the kind football players wear would be excellent). Put it in your mouth and bite down, make sure it doesn’t break.

Okay, so I know there’s probably a lot of blood around by now, you should stop worrying about that, there’s basically nothing you can do about it. Let the rats and mice enjoy it. Take that rag and wrap it around your arm.

This is when I told you I felt your pain. I lied – your pain was really fucking bad. This is also when I told you that I was only a few minutes away.