“Good afternoon Samaritans, you’re talking to Steve, how may I help?”

“Yes, look, I’m worried about my mental health.”

“And why would that be sir?”

“I’m fantasizing about killing someone at work, on a very regular basis. Over the last few days alone I’ve worked out how I’d kill him with a pencil sharpener, the fax machine and the ‘private and confidential’ rubber stamp”

“A rubber stamp! What has this man done to you?”

“What hasn’t he done. He parks his car badly so I can barely get into my designated space, he gets people tea without offering me one, he quotes ‘Little Britain’ all day long. Every day!”

“Well it doesn’t sound that bad.”

“Want to know the worst part? He literally whistles while he works, I mean seriously, who does that?”

“Again, it doesn’t sound too awful.”

“I’m telling you the next time he tells me off for not recycling a sheet of paper I’ll make it so he’s whistling through a straw for the rest of his life. Thanks Steve you’ve been a great help.”

“Hello, sir…sir?”