Written rather ubruptly, which makes the story loose some of it’s emphasis.
LoA

Yes, abrupt, which I think comes from the heavy use of simple declarative statements without a lot of description. There is a difference between recounting events and telling a story. The verb tense in the second section was awkward too, very clunky to use the ‘had been’ form there. Hate to be negative, just trying to give constructive stuff.