Wow, this feeling is strange. I feel hot and cold, alone and surrounded. I feel how wrong it is to be alone but I also understand its clarity. I can see that I am more focused, yet, at night, my body shakes and twists. It is torture in its rawest form. As much as I would like to leave this hell, I do not know how.

I am stuck. I ache and tremble from immeasurable pain. Inner pain, not the kind most get prescriptions for. This turmoil inside of me is more than I can handle. The preacher said God gives you otherwise, but I beg to differ. So, this is the pain that I must endure, but there is no guaratnee of the greatness or glory that may follow. This may be for naught. This definitely was not self caused though. Why would I pay for my own death?