I knew it was a bad idea when he wanted to paint my portrait with mayonnaise.

“Sean! Let go of my fricken’ sleeve! You idiotic ape!” I muttered through clenched teeth. Sean, my friend’s pet monkey who I was babysitting, was chattering around my feet, pulling on my sleeve, and pointing at the mayo on the table.

Unfortunately, I had drawn a portrait of him, and now, he was dying to do paint one of me. With anything, and anywhere.

First, crayons on the wall. Then, food on every flat surface.

His tugs became much more frantic, and his chatters sounded like a small fire alarm had gone off next to my knees.

“Fine, you retarded monkey! Here! Knock yourself out!”

I opened the mayo jar, and it was like I offered him caffeine pills! He shot off onto the table, grabbed the mayo jar, and Sean the monkey spun around and splattered mayo everywhere.

Even inside the toaster.
- -—

That week was hell.

If I ever see that monkey again…

Well let’s just say, if he ever touches me again, I’ll shoot him.