This is just to say that I don’t really have allergies.

I mean, I do… but just food allergies. I can’t eat leafy green vegetables like celery or spinach or most kinds of cabbage if it hasn’t been steamed. But dust mites? That was a lie.

So that one time when we were hiding in the basement of that munitions factory in The Hague, and we were crawling on our hands and knees behind boxes of Grendel rounds and the Russian mafia was turning over tables looking for us, and just when we thought we were home free, I sneezed? Yeah. That was on purpose.

Remember how they pistolwhipped you and you thought they pistolwhipped me too? They didn’t. They gave me a briefcase full of money and I moved to the Bahamas. Sorry.

The good life kind of sucks. Every day I spend alone, baby, I miss you a little more. I don’t know if they took you to the cell in Nizhny Novgorod or the one in Moscow (I helped build that one), but I’m doing everything I can to get you out. I hope they haven’t tortured you too much.

Love,
Your husband